


Neko ni naritai

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22574077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Donghui can't avoid a face from the past.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Meringues, whipped cream, topped with sliced fruit

**Author's Note:**

> This exists in the same verse as the rensung, [all the soft moonlight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895599/chapters/47123176). There are a couple of references to events in that fic, but you don't need to read it to understand things here.

After the second class of this composition module, it is evident to Donghui that she needs a tutor. Which sucks because there's no way she can afford one. She hasn't needed one since elementary school - always relying on her own grit and determination to get her through any challenge. Choir, English, dance, chemistry... whatever it was, she's always been able to face it. But something about this module is tying her brain in knots. Compounding the problem, the lecturer's PowerPoint slides that he so helpfully uploaded, consist of nothing but random words. Presumably they're memory aids for him, but they only add to Donghui's overall despair.

She maintains for another week, keeping her problems entirely to herself. However, after another lecture that leaves her feeling like she wouldn't even be able to play chopsticks confidently anymore, Donghui concludes she has two options.

  1. Go weep in the bathrooms of the Performing Arts department. Inevitably fail the module. Drop out of college. Become a stripper. Make bank, yet live a life of regrets and what ifs.
  2. Tell her friends and hope one of them has a solution for her broke ass.



"Fake mental distress so admin lets you transfer late," Renjun suggests monotonously.

Donghui snatches a fistful of May's fries and chews on them thoughtfully.

"It wouldn't be fake mental distress," she corrects, "My mental distress is very real and raw." 

"Of course it is, baby," Renjun rolls her eyes. Donghui ignores her insinuations. She shakes her head.

"It's no good, anyway. What do I look like? A quitter? I have to do this." 

No longer very interested in the conversation, Renjun returns to doodling insects on her napkins, her mound of fried rice largely untouched.

"But like," Jaemi pipes up sheepishly, "Is it just the expense? Cos I could -" 

"No, you couldn't. I can't pay you back," Donghui shuts her down straight away.

"It's fine!" Jaemi slams down her coffee cup - the separation of coffee from hand vividly illustrating her seriousness, "You can pay me back in other ways." 

Donghui gasps. She grasps Jaemi's hand and clutches it to her chest, 

"Na Jaemi! Are you soliciting an innocent young flower such as I?!" 

Jaemi bursts into a peal of laughter. She yanks Donghui towards her. 

"Yes, My Sunshine! Don't you know how much I want you... to cook for me?" 

"I knew I'd felt you devouring me with your eyes," Donghui purrs. May prods her shoulder.

"Do you two know you have an audience?" 

"Yes," they answer in unison, not separating quite yet. They hadn't, in fact, but when Donghui glances to the side, she spots Yeri and a couple of his friends laughing at them. Well, that's alright - Yeri is okay, so she doesn't have to kill any males today. She sits back, resting her arm comfortably around Jaemi's back. Jaemi picks up her drink again and takes another long sip of her coffee the colour of desolation. If Donghui is right, that's all she's had all lunch apart from stealing the yellow sweet peppers from Jeno's salad.

"I don't know," she concedes, "I'll think about it, okay?" 

"Sure," Jaemi shoots her a smile, snuggling a little closer into her hold, "The offer'll still be there." 

"What did you say it was called again?" May checks. She's been texting someone for the last while. Donghui had thought she might be choosing to ignore Donghui's pain and turmoil. She ought to have known better. After quoting the long, convoluted title of the course, May's face breaks into a grin.

"You don't need to cook for Jaemi," she promises, flipping her long ponytail back behind her shoulder, "Tell me I'm awesome." 

"You're outstanding, a flower amongst weeds, _would_ and I wouldn't need to be drunk first," she deadpans, "What did you do?" 

("She's a terror," Jaemi mumbles, disappointed at losing a chef. Honestly, she can cook perfectly well - she just wanted Donghui to do it for her. Renjun, without looking up, pats her hand, and Jaemi chooses to accept that as validation).

"Got you a tutor. Well, probably, and if you're down with it. Tae-I unnie took the same course. She says she's pretty sure she has her notes stashed somewhere. Will I give her your number?" 

Donghui's heart hammers in her chest. She takes a sip of her coke in hopes of cooling down the blush that's threatening to bloom across her face.

"Hold up. Tae-I?" she asks, nonchalantly.

"Yeah! You remember Tae-I unnie, right? I guess it's been a while since you met. She used to date Janey unnie ages ago. She came to Jaehui unnie's birthday party with Yuutan." 

"Hm, not sure," Donghui claims, tapping her chin. This is an obvious lie. She's an abysmal actress and it's a testament to how pure and good Lee May is that she believes (or at least pretends to believe) Donghui.

As it turns out, when May leaves for her next class it's Donghui who has Tae-I's number sitting in her phone like an elephant at a tea party. Donghui slides her plate to the side, drops her head on the table with a thunk, and groans loudly enough to startle Yeri and his friends.

"'Sup, Dongdongie?" Jeno asks, petting her hair. Renjun has already left to carve her sapphic lithographs, so Donghui is only left with these two strange people to share her agony with. She leans into Jeno's touch, allowing herself to enjoy the moment before reluctantly picking herself back up.

"So, that unnie, maybehaps I do remember her." 

"I knew it! I so knew you were faking!" Jaemi yells, gleefully thrusting a finger into Donghui's face. Donghui bites it and growls, 

"Might I possibly continue?" When those two stay quiet she goes on, tracing figures of eight on the tabletop in a sudden fit of shyness, "The issue is I'm hoping she doesn't remember me."

"What did you do? Why are you acting like you killed her dog?" Jaemi presses.

"That unnie likes cats," Donghui shoots back stupidly.

"You killed her cat!" Jeno exclaims, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

"No! Oh my god. I'm attempting to recall traumatic memories here, could you please give me a moment?" 

"Alright, we're sorry," Jaemi placates a red-eared Donghui. She's echoed a moment later by Jeno. Donghui takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

"Look. So. This thing happened when I was 14, so you already know it's going to be humiliating. You can't tell Maymay about this, okay? Okay?!" 

The thing - _The Incident_ \- happened when Donghui was still 14 and her very favourite unnie in the world was turning 15. May and Donghui had been neighbours for almost two years. They went to the same dance school. They played video games and ate popcorn together. They babysat Donghui's little brother together.

Despite being a year apart, May gave Donghui blanket permission to treat her as a friend rather than an unnie. Donghui might have been innocent about a lot of things, but it didn't take her long to realise that how she really wanted to treat May was something else again. She wanted to hold her. To rest her head on May's shoulder and feel the older girl stroke her hair. To lace their fingers together and kiss every knuckle. To hear her stupid barking laughter and see her stupid toothy smile even when they're dotty old aunties with wrinkles and back braces and closets full of knitwear. Yep, Donghui had it bad as only a middle schooler with her first real crush can.

The minor conundrum was that she knew for a fact May liked boys. They talked about boys, which senior was the hottest, celeb crushes and all that. (Donghui believed she faked an interest in guys sort of decently. Choose any senior who doesn't know you exist and pretend to find a random part of his anatomy charming - that was her usual game plan. _Look at the cephalic veins on that guy, damn_ , like that). They never talked about girls. Donghui would go on a rant about her favourite singers sometimes - but she was too wary of giving herself away to say this or that female celeb was a hottie, and May never said anything much like that. She liked girl groups occasionally, but it was more of an 'I wonder what lipstick she's wearing' thing and less of an 'I want to kiss it off her' thing. So Donghui's crush was hopeless, clearly.

Well, no. Not clearly at all. Not to Donghui. Because, since she was faking her sexuality, it seemed perfectly possible to her that May was as well. After all, why would anyone honestly want a boy to kiss them? It didn't seem reasonable. Additionally, even if May weren't faking, she could be bi. Because again, why would anyone _not_ want to kiss girls? Girls are pretty and soft and smell nice and have sweet voices. Which is all to say, Donghui saw no reason why she should give up on liking May. If anything she became more determined. If May could just see - just understand how much she meant to Donghui, surely she'd feel it. Surely she'd like Donghui back.

May's birthday was her opportunity. She had already decided she wanted to kiss her. You can kiss people on their birthday, everyone knows that. And just in case everyone didn't know that and Donghui was being a deluded gay, she had decided to get Lee May the absolute best birthday present ever. Then May would want to kiss her, maybe. And they'd look into each other's eyes and May would finally, _finally_ , realise that she and Donghui needed to go on dates and make out and get married and make out and raise corgis together. It was the summer holidays so, apart from a monstrous mountain of summer homework, Donghui could dedicate all her time to making her gay dreams come true.

There was an oppa she knew from cram school. He would be moving away for college soon and was trying to sell basically all his possessions to fund himself. She went over one sweltering afternoon, cleaned his whole putrid room and cooked him up a vat of budaejjigae for him to fill his freezer with. Then, for a knockdown price, she walked away with a sackful of old video games. She knew for a fact two of them were ones May had played back in Canada and been dying to get hold of another copy of. There were others that May hadn't mentioned but Donghui was pretty sure would make the older girl squeal and make puppy noises. They weren't Donghui's cup of tea - too much questing and not enough shooting people with big guns. But she super wanted May to squeal and make puppy noises.

For May's party they went out to a big park outside of town. The parents sat around on picnic benches drinking iced tea and making sure no one was killing anyone else. A lot of girls from school and around the neighbourhood plus a few boys had come - May was popular with everyone. The birthday girl was playing a largely rule-less game of football on the green with a horde of friends. Donghui, tired of playing, was up under the shade of the verdant trees with some other friends, dancing to K-pop songs and pulling lame jokes. This meant she saw before May did when Jeong Yein arrived. Yein was in their dance class until he moved for high school. He was tall, funny, snorted when he laughed, and May had deep and complicated feelings regarding his high nose and chocolate abs. Donghui knew this because May used to never shut up about him and spent a period of profound mourning after he moved away. Donghui's heart plummeted.

Shortly, May's lovely cousin Janey arrived with her "special friend", an armoury of dad jokes, and cupcakes that were about 80% icing and sprinkles. None of these lifted Donghui's mood more than a hair. Even finding out Janey's friend was taking one of the most prestigious music degrees in the country didn't do much. Because May, as expected, had latched onto Yein's side, ready and eager to giggle at all his jokes and gaze adoringly at his stupid high nose bridge, and Donghui flat refused to let anyone suspect how miserable she was about this. She laughed louder, joked more, danced like some jackass gagman on TV, and threw every ounce of energy she had into pretending she was fine.

Janey and her friend came over to chat and catch up. But Donghui barely had it in her to concentrate on what they were saying, no matter how much she'd missed Janey and actually did want to get to know the cute unnie at her side.

At last, it was time for presents and cake. May's mum ordered a couple of huge pavlovas, piled high with sliced fruits and sweet cream. They looked mouth-watering. Yet Donghui was so drained she had to feign excitement as they were set in pride of place in the middle of the broad wooden table, clapping her hands and whining when May jokingly jabbed her and told her to wait. Presents were opened - soft toys, clothes and vouchers, cute necklaces and wristlets, albums by a couple of rappers May was into these days thanks to Janey. And then Donghui's games - personally gift-wrapped in zombie girl wrapping paper with May's name spelled out in fruity washi tape. Donghui had deemed her own bow tying skills insufficient so she'd spent two hours scouring stationary shops for the perfect washi tape. May carefully opened the package. Her face lit up. She did indeed squeal and make puppy noises. She even pecked Donghui on the cheek. However, Donghui's surge of euphoria lasted mere moments. Jeong Yein cleared his throat and said, as it happened, even though he'd only heard about the party last night on social media, he had picked up a little something to give the birthday girl. He handed her a red velvet pouch. Inside was a gilt bracelet. It had May's name engraved in English and emerald green glass gems. May looked at Yein as if he had handed her platinum and diamonds and the secret to clear skin all rolled into one. Donghui's guts churned as she watched him fix it around her slender wrist, saw it glimmer in the sunlight as she served him the first messy slice of pavlova. Donghui stuffed one of Janey's chocolate cupcakes into her mouth all-in-one and disappeared the moment she could.

There was a small patch of original woods left. The rest of the park was lined with recently planted trees that, Donghui supposed, we're easier to maintain. They didn't allow her to get lost, though, which is what she really needed. She slipped into the shade of the woods. The ground was dry this time of year. She crunched through the undergrowth suppressing a fear of bugs and snakes in favor of getting away. In a little while, she was alone amongst the trees, the buzz of insects, the humid air, the scratches on her bare calfs. Realistically, she hadn't gone far. She could hear the party going on - hear May cackling, one of their friends doing the IU impression she always did, May's uncle complaining about the song playing... Even so, she felt far enough away to breathe, to finally let herself pout and be sad. Why had she done so much? Why hadn't it worked? What was wrong with her?

Her breathing was becoming unsteady, her eyes growing hot. She heard a twig snap and caught her breath. Footsteps were coming closer.

"Found you." 

"Oh, Unnie," Donghui squeaked. Janey's girlfriend, Tae-I, appeared from the gloom, her paper cup of soda held protectively close to her. There were bramble's clinging to her skirt and a twig caught in her short, bleached blond hair. Donghui sighed, slumping against a tree. There were more embarrassing options for people to have found her - seeing Tae-I's awkward smile was a relative relief. "Are they looking for me?" She was a bit sniffly but close enough to normal.

"Erm," the older girl hesitated, picking some of the foliage off her clothes, "More like I was." 

"You were?" The cloying, teenaged embarrassment was rising again.

"Yeah. It just - I, uh... I thought you might want to be found." Donghui wasn't able to respond. A hundred things were getting trapped in her throat. Her eyes were prickling. "It's hard, isn't it?" 

And that was it. A dam broke. Donghui was bawling. Tae-I hurried over to hug her and the teenager curled into the warmth, trembling in her arms. Tae-I rubbed circles on her back until she calmed down, whispering into her hair, 

"It's okay, it'll be okay." 

"Why am I like this?" Donghui muttered between sobs, "I hate this. I'm horrible." 

"You're not. You're cute. You're a sweet, cute girl." 

"I'm awful." 

"You're sweet. I think you're sweet. Trust Unnie, okay?" 

Soon enough, her sobs subsided. Donghui became aware of the position she was in - cheek resting on Tae-I's chest, arms around the older girl's neck, Tae-I's arms around her waist, holding her safe and secure. Gosh, no wonder Janey liked her - A+ hugs. Donghui figured she ought to get herself together and get back to the party. But she wasn't quite ready.

"Does everyone know?" she murmured, listening to Tae-I's steady heartbeat.

"Not sure," Tae-I hummed, the sound vibrating against Donghui's skull, "I don't think so. Janey mentioned to me she thought you had a crush on May, so it wasn't hard to notice. But May? Hmm, don't think so." 

Donghui sniffed, letting herself enjoy being rocked in Janey's girlfriend's arms.

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" she checked.

"No. Teenage girls are dumb, no offense. And May's very distracted by that tall boy with the nose."

Donghui giggled at that. She started to pick herself up and was struck hard by another hurdle she had to overcome.

"Oh my god, Unnie! I got your shirt all wet." Tae-I's blouse was pastel yellow. The wet mark coupled with Donghui's still puffy, puce face - it would be obvious to anyone what had happened. The girl's heart rate quickened. "They're all going to know. Oh my god! Maymay's going to know I was crying. She'll figure out everything. She's going to think I'm such a freak, oh my - oh." 

The paper cup of soda that Tae-I had been holding on to the whole time, not having anywhere else to put it - she emptied the contents over her chest.

"Unnie, what the heck?" Donghui asked, baffled.

"I spilt my drink," Tae-I stated, looking back at her with big innocent eyes, "What a pity. Janey has something in her car I can change into. You come with me, yeah?" 

She said this all so simply and matter-of-factly, as if she hadn't just upended a cup of cream soda all over herself, that Donghui couldn't help laughing. She hid her face in the older girl's shoulder, holding her hand loosely as they made their way back. No one outwardly questioned if it was laughter or something else making Donghui's eyes shine. Janey was perfectly accepting that her girlfriend was klutzy enough to lose her drink.

Donghui stood outside Janey's old Fiat, guarding the window while Tae-I peeled off the blouse and slipped on one of Janey's hoodies that had been discarded on the backseat. It reached almost to her knees, just the lacy hem of her skirt peeking out the bottom. Donghui held her hand again as they ambled back to the party to share the ends of the cake and enjoy the sunset slashing pink across the sky. Although later her memory would flood this day with shame and angst and unbearable _feelings_ , at that precise moment, hand clasped with Tae-I's under the fading summer sky, Donghui felt amazing.


	2. Dark rye breadcrumbs, chocolate, cream, and raspberry jam

Donghui is practical enough to know that she has to get over her embarrassment before the next class. On Friday evening she is sitting cross-legged on her bed, the duvet around her shoulders and a bottle of diet coke in her lap. She has written and deleted the same message 15 times by the time she's halfway through the drink. It comes down to this - she wants to ask 'do you remember me?', but by that what she would really mean is 'please say you don't remember me and my stupid snotty face, I'm gonna emigrate to Tasmania if you remember me'. So it's complicated.

Eventually, sufficiently frustrated with herself, she sends, _hey :) it's Donghui, May's friend_ , throws herself back on her bed and listens to devastating Adele songs until her phone pings.

[Hello~ 😊 you needed some help with Prof Bang's class, right? :/ do you want to maybe meet up and talk about it tomorrow around lunch? I'm going to be here till 2 or 3] 

She sent a location. When Donghui checks it, it's just some fast food restaurant near campus. Which is nice, come to think of it. Low pressure. She can do this. And if the cute unnie does remember Donghui snotting all over her pretty blouse, Donghui has ready access to junk food to eat away the misery and humiliation. Awesome.

[Great, I'll be there around 12] 

[Thank you ️ ❤️!] 

[It's okay ☺️🌸 c u then~] 

Donghui presses a hand to her heart. Tae-I txts just exactly as she'd imagined she would.

It's the beginning of spring and still freeze-your-tits-off cold. Happily, it's not raining, Donghui grudgingly concedes as she makes her way to the restaurant at a rapid shuffle. She's got bootcut jeans, thick woolen socks knitted by her grandma, a vest, two T-shirts, her lucky red jumper, a padded coat, and her scarf with angry deer on it. She feels sort of like a marshmallow. A cozy one though, so it's okay. Apart from her head - one of her bitchass roommates stole her winter hat. She's hoping the vigorous freezing will make her brain more alert to whatever Tae-I wants to pour in there. The restaurant's glass doors hum in self-satisfaction as they open for her. She steps inside and immediately starts sniffling from the change in temperature.

It's noisy inside. Lots of families and teenage couples buying lunch. The din from the kitchen. The radio crackling over a pair of speakers. It all bounces cacophonously around the tiled floor and brightly painted walls. She sniffs, ruffling her frosty hair. This seems like less of a good idea by the second. Then her eyes fall on a figure sitting on their own under a mural of a bejeweled pink unicorn. Tae-I has black framed glasses slipping down her nose and fluffy chestnut brown hair tied in a simple ponytail. The sleeves of her flannel shirt are rolled up revealing about a dozen assorted bracelets. Her nose is close to her notebook as she writes. She's like a bubble of serenity in this chaotic place. Her concentrated expression drops as she feels eyes on her. She scans the room, breaking into a smile when she spots Donghui. Donghui's toes wriggle in her overstuffed boots.

Things aren't unbearably awkward, just a little. Tae-I explains that she knows a couple of the people working here Saturdays, so they let her stay there hogging the table while she chips away at her thesis. When Donghui is with her, huddled close while she talks her through a page in the textbook that had left Donghui tearing her hair out a couple of weeks ago, or when she good - humouredly decodes the professor's horrid powerpoints, it's not hard to block out everything else, all the noise and customers coming and going Even the thing Donghui's hideously embarrassed about. Whenever it slips her mind, she slips perfectly into Tae-I's aura of chilled bitch. Unfortunately, it never slips her mind for all that long.

"Unnie, I want to ask you something," Donghui announces, bouncing her foot against the table leg.

"'s what I'm here for," Tae-I replies, one earphone in as she searches through the long list of MP3s that go with Donghui's textbook. The girl places a hand on her arm, just below all the bracelets, to draw her attention away. 

"Did you remember me?" When Tae-I only looks at her in confusion, wide eyes like a kitten, Donghui gnaws her lip and elaborates, "I mean when Maymay told you her friend needed a tutor, did you remember how we met?" 

There's a pregnant pause as the meaning registers in Tae-I's head. Then she chuckles, 

"Of course I did. How could I forget you?" 

Donghui groans. She lets go of her loose hold on the older girl and slithers down in her seat like a deflated balloon.

"Do you ever think," she asks dowerly, "About how there is no god?" 

Tae-I just laughs lightly at her, reaching out to squeeze her hand.

"I wasn't sure at first, but then May sent me a picture of you. You look exactly the same just sort of, er..." 

She makes a vague gesture with her free hand and doesn't appear inclined to complete that sentence.

"Sort of what?" Donghui questions, still slumped in the booth. She runs through the possibilities in her head - none of them good. Sort of chubbier? Sort of scarier? Sort of taller (only sort of)? She notes the blush coloring Tae-I's round face.

"Well, like, I mean," the older girl fumbles, "Sort of prettier, I guess." 

_Oh_. Donghui slides back up with a certain amount of effort.

She adjusts the position of their hands, holding Tae-I's in hers.

"Unnie thinks I'm pretty?" 

The older girl giggles, squirming nervously. Donghui smiles. That's cute.

"I'm sure a lot of people do," Tae-I says, eyes anywhere but on Donghui.

"I don't know about that," she says, brushing the remark off. She tugs Tae-I's arm a little to make her face her, "But _Unnie_ thinks I'm pretty?" 

"I - yeah, of course you are," Tae-I breathes, smile faltering, ears bright red. Donghui beams. Teasing this unnie is fun, but she figures she had best know her limits. If she scares Tae-I off, who will help her pass this stupid class?

"I'm happy! I think Unnie's pretty too!" 

Tae-I giggles again, just the slightest bit manically. She turns back to the laptop, leaving her arm in Donghui's hold, but her eyes dart around the screen and it's obvious to Donghui that her tutor can't concentrate.

"Listen, uh," she begins after a mere moment, "We've done a lot already. Do you want to call it a day?" 

Donghui hesitates. She tucks her unruly bangs behind her ears and tries to subtly give Tae-I back some of her personal space. This sounds a lot like her lovely, inscrutable way of telling Donghui to piss off and quit annoying her.

"If we're calling it a day, I can buy you cake," Tae-I adds, shimmying in her seat. If she had a tail it would be switching.

"Cake?" Donghui asks, incisively.

"Well, like, I should buy something other than the coffees," Tae-I gestures to the two long empty cups sitting on their table, "Otherwise my friend might get yelled at by her manager. And with you here I have an excuse to order the veiled country lass."

"The what now?" 

Tae-I grins, shoving Donghui's shoulder playfully, 

"It's a cake. It's really good, trust me. I'm going to order a slice." 

With that she's hopping away to the counter. Donghui considers pointing out to Tae-I that, when she's tutoring Donghui for a favour, she's perfectly within her rights to make Donghui pay for food. She does not point this out - because she wants cake and also to keep talking to the cute unnie - but she does give it consideration. The older girl comes back with a tray holding a large iced tea, two straws, and a small pot of what looks like caramel trifle.

They stay curled up close in the booth, lingering over the drink and dessert. (It's good, but not as much as Tae-I's excitement had suggested). They chat about college, Tae-I's obscure thesis, movies, music... That last one's perilous - discussing music with music students frequently means wandering into a minefield. But when Donghui names the UK R&B singer she's obsessed with lately, Tae-I just searches his songs and asks which part caught Donghui's attention. It's refreshing.

After some time, Tae-I's friend - a petite girl with spiky pink hair and saucer like eyes - starts giving them significant looks. Donghui checks her phone only to see its already 5 p.m.

"Oh gosh! Sorry, Unnie, I've been keeping you." 

"It's okay," Tae-I responds, but from how she's shoving her arms into her puffy yellow jacket Donghui is quite sure it's not, "I've got to head though. Are you all right for getting back to the dorms?" 

"I'm fine," Donghui answers, grabbing Tae-I's arms. Her tutor had been attempting to hastily fix the collar of her shirt under her jacket and just making a mess of everything. Tae-I sits still, silently accepting the younger girl straightening her collar and even zipping up her jacket. Her little brother was never this pliant, Donghui thinks wryly. "I walked here, I can walk back, it's not far. You obviously have somewhere to be, so you can go first Unnie." 

Tae-I's brain seems to take a moment to swim back to the present.

"Yeah, I - um. I do, actually. See you. I hope this was helpful. Text me. Bye," she blabbers. She squeezes Donghui's hand again and is gone. Donghui watches her leave. In tight black jeans and her puffy jacket she looks like a lemon lollipop. _Cute_ , Donghui thinks, packing up her own stuff as Tae-I's pink-haired friend trots over to clear their tray. She regrets avoiding Tae-I now. She can't believe a woman that cute and cuddly has been walking around without Donghui there to appreciate her.

The next day, Donghui is walking through the corridors with Chenle on their way to lunch. They're having a perfectly nice conversation about Chenle's project for biochem. (No, Donghui doesn't understand many of the terms coming out of Chenle's mouth, but she appreciates her younger friend getting enthusiastic about something other than food or gaming). The double doors to the cafeteria (and, therefore, to precious cheap carbs) are in sight when Donghui and Chenle are violently ambushed by a pair of chaotic hets.

"May-unnie is inside already, ordering food with Renjun," Jaemi informs, blatantly and shamelessly blocking their path.

"And we want gossip," Jeno clarifies, ambling up to Chenle's side to share her bag of wasabi peas. 

"What kind of gossip?" Donghui rolls her eyes. Despite her words feigning ignorance, she plods over to a window so she can take a seat on the sill and get this over with.

"Come on," Jaemi wheedles, sitting flush against Donghui's side, "Tell us about your charming unnie." 

"Charming?" Donghui cocks an eyebrow. She can't imagine she called Tae-I charming, not where Jaemi would hear. Where did they get charming from?

"She sounded charming," Jeno shrugs - guileless smile, chin resting on Chenle's shoulder and an arm slung around the younger girl's waist. Donghui stares for a moment. One day Jeno will have to confront some things. One day - and Donghui suspects that day won't be pretty. But not right now.

"Well sure, she's charming, I guess. You know, in a sort of - sort of a fuzzy way." 

"Fuzzy?" Jaemi questions, sweeping infinitesimal lint off Donghui's stripy blue sweater and playing with a lock of her wavy black hair. 

"Yeah. And, er," Donghui racks her brain for the right word, an apt phrase to qualify what it felt like in Tae-I's atmosphere, "Glowy?" 

Jaemi peers at her sharply. Jeno and Chenle grin, yet Donghui is practically certain they don't get it.

"Do you know what I mean?" 

"I don't!" Chenle proclaims, proffering Jeno's bag of dried peas at her. Donghui takes a fistful and chews them with a grimace.

"Look, start from the top, okay?" Jaemi suggests, waving her hands in front of her face to cleanse the air, "What was she wearing? What did you guys talk about? How much did your heart flutter?" 

Donghui scowls at her.

"She's my tutor. _Tutor_. You got that part, right?" 

"Okay," Jaemi responds as if talking to a child, "And how much did your tutor make your heart flutter?" 

"A bit, to be honest." Before Jaemi has a chance to cheer and whoop and pretend she _knew it all along_ , Donghui snaps, "Not like that, you plebeian!" to wipe the smirk off her friend's face. Jaemi does not appear convinced.

Jeno and Chenle join them on the windowsill, despite their evidently being insufficient space for four young women. Now Donghui has the almost medicinal stench of those wasabi peas far too close to her nostrils for comfort and Jaemi's annoyingly ample bosom is squashed up against her side. Facing such constrained circumstances, Donghui attempts to describe her first lesson with Tae-I and that unnie's whole vibe. (Naturally she skips the part where the cute unnie called her pretty. These heathens don't need to know about that).

 _…She's doing a thesis about this one piece by this one obscure Japanese composer. And no one here knows enough about him to supervise her but they still gave her funding anyway. Like, lots of funding. What sort of wild flex is that, you feel me?... She acts like she has endless supplies of patience, like it's impossible to make her snap. Kind of really want to try. Just because. I just do... She wets her lips a lot. A_ lot _a lot. I don't know why I'm telling you that. But it must be a tell, right? I guess it's a tell. Cos like, I tried to count and in five minutes she did it 17 times. So it's got to mean something... She's so smart. Clearly, anyone who can interpret Professor Bang's slides is a genius. But not just that. She's just really smart, the way she talks about her subject is so... I don't know how to explain it. I think I - I have to keep her. Somehow, I'm going to keep her…_

She winds down. It's about three parts having nothing else to say, to seven parts wanting to finally enter the cafeteria and buy herself lunch. 

"Happy?" she grits out. Jaemi's arm at some point twined around hers. The girl ignores her in favour of playing with Donghui's silver bangle . Jeno is too busy examining the empty bag of peas for crumbs to offer any feedback. Donghui feels cheated. It's those two who wanted gossip. Her gossip must not be juicy enough for them. To think they dragged her precious Chinese daughter into this. Such frustrating people. If Donghui didn't already know not to trust self-declared heterosexuals, these two give her daily reasons why.

"So you're like, really into her, huh?" Chenle muses. Donghui can only balk at her. Was she listening to a different rant? Where did she get that from? What is this nonsense? She's still trying to construct a response that isn't simply threatening to disown Chenle (again), when Jaemi decisively clasps Donghui's hand.

"It's important we go eat food or I'm going to die," she states blandly. Now Donghui understands her friend's lack of reaction - she must be feeling a caffeine comedown approach, probably on an empty stomach. She squirms out from between Jaemi and Chenle. Jeno is already waiting with her own and Chenle's backpacks.

"Didn't our Renjunnie want advice?" Jeno reminds them, "And we've just left her with May-unnie." 

"May-unnie gives good advice, though," Chenle opines as they set off, "Maybe not about this? I don't know." 

Donghui can't hold back the withering sigh.

"All you do today is lie, Lele my darling." 

"I said I don't know!" Chenle defends herself, laughing in Donghui's face.

Soon they're sitting around a tiny table, all six of them. Their plates of slightly cooled fast food in front of them - because May and Renjun really are too good to be true and bought everyone junk food just because Jaemi had said 'please' before disappearing with Jeno. Being with her friends and focusing on their issues is enough for Donghui to put out of her mind the class she might fail, the school supplies she can't afford, and even what Tae-I's slightly rough fingers had felt like laced with hers.


	3. Cider, whiskey, lemon juice and honey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kang Seunggi (Seulgi): rockstar, student, lesbian protector
> 
> The lyrics mentioned come from Seulgi's ost for [The Crowned Clown](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2019/02/seulgi-seulgi-always)

On Friday night, Donghui is waiting in a convenience store in her best skinny jeans, buckled thigh high boots, and a sheer metallic shirt. Her plan for that night _had_ been going to Renjun and Chenle's to watch Chinese dramas and make ice cream sodas. Her plan had involved pyjama pants and stealing Chenle's Funshine Bear hoodie. It hadn't involved being cold and drinking vile convenience store coffee for warmth. At least, from how the asshole behind the counter has been up-downing her, Donghui knows she looks good.

At long last, a flushed round face with delicate features appears, eyes darting around until they land on Donghui. 

"Found you. Gosh, I'm sorry I'm late. My, uh, well - my boots wouldn't co-operate." As Tae-I trots into the store, Donghui can't come up with a single remark to make about that excuse. Put another way, her tongue is suddenly too big for her mouth. Tae-I's boots are dark purple, go over her knee, and lace all the way up. Underneath there's a sliver a stockings patterned with stars, then a black leather mini skirt with silver studs. Being more practical than Donghui, above that she's wearing the same puffy yellow jacket from the last time they met.

"'s fine," Donghui manages.

"Not really," Tae-I frets, coming to stand in front of Donghui and - for reasons Donghui cannot fathom - _not_ holding her hand, "I invite you out then I'm late." 

Tae-I had sent her a message the afternoon before. They'd followed each other on social media last weekend, but otherwise hadn't communicated much since their first lesson. (And Donghui, despite Chenle's repeated insinuations to the contrary, had only daydreamed about her a little). So Donghui had naturally been surprised enough by the message to sneakily open it in the middle of her Japanese tutorial. It turns out Tae-I's friend's band has a gig and, for reasons Donghui hadn't really followed, she's without anyone to go with. It goes without saying, Donghui agreed to go right away. Tae-I has great taste, so she's certain they'll be worth seeing. Donghui may have gone just a little overboard in her outfit. However, in her defence, it's an aeon since she's been to a proper gig. In addition, when Tae-I looks her over, the older girl smiles bashfully, loses eye-contact and stammers, 

"Wow, you look... Yeah. Wow." So, honestly, Donghui couldn't care less if she went overboard.

They decide to make for the bar where the gig is straight away. Donghui asks if they shouldn't preload first - even though she's actually a lightweight and is relieved when Tae-I tells her to wait and Unnie will buy her the bar's special apple crisp. The woman vibrates when talking about cocktails almost as much as she had when talking about cake. Donghui is happy to shrug and let her take the lead.

The weather is still too cold for Donghui to not want to die the second she steps out of the store. She huddles close to Tae-I as they make their way down the busy street. Her hand instinctively finds its way around the curve of her hips, dipping under the warmth of the bright yellow jacket. If Tae-I minds, she doesn't show it, just nagging once the Donghui is going to catch a cold and it will be her own fault.

The bar opens up from a narrow black doorway under a sign painted in Gothic lettering that Donghui can't make sense of. There's a queue. Tae-I seems surprised, mentioning something about how the band's new manager must be making himself useful. Inside is all wood and brass, fake gas lamps hanging from the grid ceiling and electric candles on each table. The curved bar is already thronged with people. Surveying them, Donghui still feels a touch overdressed, but only a touch. Some of the boys in particular have really put an effort in. A fug of fag smoke and cheap cologne permeates the room. Tae-I leaves her to check her coat. By the time she has returned, Donghui's only just got through everyone to reach the bar.

"Hey, I'm back," Tae-I sing-songs, ducking under Donghui's arm out of the blue, "You order yet?" 

"No. Err, Unnie can. You do it." Donghui can barely force words out of her mouth right now - she doesn't think much of her chances of successfully ordering cocktails. Underneath that jacket, Tae-I had been hiding a low-cut black top with a colourful abstract design on the front and multiplicitous rainbow coloured straps slipping off her shoulders. Also, and there is really no other way to say this, just absolutely the nicest cleavage Donghui has ever seen. Even nicer than Jaemi's - which is saying something. Of course Donghui had been somewhat aware of this last weekend when Tae-I had been in a T-shirt and a big flannel shirt. But this is a whole different ballgame. Donghui doesn't know quite where to put her eyes. 

"Here you go, Dongdongie. I promise it's good." 

Tae-I passes her a tumbler of amber liquid with thin slices of red apple floating inside and ginger sugar caked around the rim. It's sweet and tangy and the first sip is enough to put fire in her blood. Tae-I had been achieving that already merely with her presence and her soft smiles directed wholly at Donghui. The thought flutters through Donghui's head that she is in imminent trouble.

The older girl spots a free table and hustles them through the crowd with practiced finesse. She removes the partly full ("Mostly empty," Tae-I happily corrects) glass and the pack of cigarettes that had been left there on to the nearest flat surface (the floor) and sits down, tugging Donghui towards her. Donghui complies with not a shred of resistance. They're together, thigh pressed against thigh, Tae-I's arms tight around her and her nose in Donghui's hair.

"You're still cold! Why didn't you wear a jacket? My student is going to give herself pneumonia." She massages Donghui's back, runs her hands up and down Donghui's bare arms. Enjoying the attention, Donghui tries to worm her way into the best position to let the shorter women keep warming her up, keep nuzzling her hair.

"I don't know. I'm dumb," she drawls at last, "I was getting into the cab by the time I thought 'hey, it's kind of chilly out'." 

"You're not dumb though," Tae-I pouts. Devastatingly, she draws back from their hug then, leaving just one arm loosely around Donghui and her perfect thighs almost - but not quite - over Donghui's lap. Donghui simply cannot believe how unfair life is.

"What part of me needing you to tutor me through a basic composition module makes you think I'm not dumb?" 

Tae-I laughs and takes a sip of her drink - something blue and filled with berries. Now she doesn't even have an arm around Donghui. Perhaps, Donghui muses, Jesus really does hate the lesbians. 

"Well, first off, you say basic, but it throws in a tonne of theory that Professor Bang is incapable of explaining. Plus, as soon as I showed you how it works, you were getting the hang of things. And when we talked, anyone could tell you know a lot about your subject. You're clearly smart."

"Hmm, if you say it like that, Unnie." Donghui has been playing with the lace at the top of Tae-I's boots. As the woman shows no signs of telling her to fuck off, Donghui boldly lays her palm there, halfway between the soft leather and the stockings pulled taut over pale skin. "I'm conditionally dumb. How about that?" 

Tae-I just giggles. She holds her glass in both hands and takes another long sip. Her tongue peeks out over lips that must taste like berries. Donghui lightly squeezes her thigh and watches the blush blooming across her cheeks.

No matter how the crowd jostles them, at no point that night can Tae-I get over the fact that so many people came to see her friend's band. Donghui finds this rather unfair of her. The music is pretty good - indie rock, sometimes very punk, a lot of it quite poppy and danceable. The musicianship isn't spectacular, although the confident way they flirt with the audience is top-tier. On the other hand, Tae-I's friend, Seunggi - his vocals are haunting, heart-rending, soaring. He sings like he's been through two divorces, lost access to his kids and his dog's just died of leukaemia. On the more upbeat songs he glides around the stage like a trained dancer, making his small host of fanboys scream his name whenever he looks their way. 

"That poser," is Tae-I's fond assessment.

The music is loud, so Donghui doesn't try to respond. She smirks and brings the woman a little closer by her waist to make Tae-I dance with her. She follows so easily it makes a thrill run up Donghui's spine. If Donghui were being logical she might conclude that Tae-I simply wants to be close to her because not all the males in the crowd are so focused on Kang Seunggi's swaggering hips; because it's airless and raucous in the bar, so it's better to be close; because she's been jumping around in those kick ass heels and is probably more than happy to let Donghui take some of her weight. Donghui might conclude these things. But it's hard to be logical when Tae-I is softly tracing a line between the moles on her face, lips puckered in concentration. As she lifts her gaze to Donghui, the band strikes up a ballad. _When your eyes that softly shined like the Morning Star touched my heart… I've been taking one step towards you_. Donghui holds her tighter, hiding her face in the crook of Tae-I's neck. Her lips brush the tender skin and she feels the woman tremble in her arms.

After the gig, Tae-I wants to go congratulate her friend. Donghui's ankles are hurting from her boots. (She doesn't always wear heels, but she's always overly ambitious when she does). She feels a migraine - or at least a bitch of a hangover - coming on. Therefore Tae-I deposits her on a bench near the taxi rank with a can of energy drink and Tae-I's sparkly pink pepper spray, before dashing off to find Seunggi. Donghui wraps Tae-I's jacket tighter around herself. She's not one to deny her feelings. Right now her feelings are that Chenle was right - she really is into Tae-I.

They didn't kiss. All they've done that night is dance, talk, drink a few too many cocktail. But the thought of kissing her has certainly been crossing Donghui's mind... If by 'crossing her mind' one meant sitting front and center in Donghui's brain for hours now. Her apple cheeks when she smiles with her mouth open; her smooth, pale neck; the scar under her eye she tried to hide with makeup; her soft, trusting gaze; how she responded to Donghui's lead, moving her hips against hers as they danced. Donghui buries her head in her hands. This isn't good. Whatever way she looks at it, kissing Tae-I is a bad idea. She's Donghui's tutor. She's Janey's friend. She's Janey's _ex_. Even though she's shown she doesn't still think of Donghui as that snotty fourteen-year-old, that doesn't mean she won't full 'little sister zone' Donghui if she pushes her luck.

Donghui wants to push her luck. She wants to push Tae-I against a wall and bite her neck.

"I'm back!" 

Donghui jumps. She peeps up, face flushed with embarrassment. Yet somehow Tae-I appears even worse.

"That was fast, Unnie." 

"He was, er," Tae-I twines her hair around a finger, searching for the right word, "He was indisposed. So I just came back. Didn't want to leave you alone."

Her bare arms are covered with goosebumps. The cold makes her squirm on the spot. Donghui gets up, shucking the jacket off her shoulders and holding it open for Tae-I to put on again.

"What does that mean? Like, he was sick?" Donghui questions, watching the visible relief on Tae-I's face as she slips her arms inside. The woman immediately pulls Donghui into a hug, wrapping the jacket around her too, the little she can. Far be it from Donghui to reject an opportunity. She molds herself into Tae-I's warmth, arms linking around her waist.

"It means. It's that, um..." Tae-I's face is hot. Donghui can feel it radiating off her. "His new manager was, kind of, congratulating him." 

Donghui stares at her. Tae-I's pitch rose several notches on 'congratulating' and, frankly, 

"I'm sorry, Unnie, I really don't know what you're getting at." 

"For real?" Tae-I arches an eyebrow, but deflates a moment later. (One of her hands is doing something terribly pleasant to Donghui's nape. This being so, Donghui feels it is Tae-I's own fault that Donghui can't work out whatever she's implying right now). "That oppa was giving him head in the alley. That's not an image I ever wanted to sear into my brain, so I ran away before either of them could notice me. Hopefully. Oh god, I really hope they didn't notice me." 

Donghui's arms around her feel scorching, the material of Tae-I's top too diaphanous to be real.

"Well," Donghui clears her throat, "He did well. He deserves it, I suppose." 

That makes Tae-I finally quit looking so agitated and laugh out loud.

"You're cute," she remarks out of nowhere.

"I'm cold," Donghui complains, wriggling in contentment when Tae-I holds her tighter, letting Donghui bury her nose in Tae-I's neck.

Not wanting to wait around outside the bar in this weather and with drunks hanging about on the streets, Tae-I hails the first taxi that's free. She bundles Donghui in, scrambling in after her. They hadn't noticed the noise on the street - music and revellers and cars and advertising boards incessantly playing above it all. But in the taxi the quietude is suddenly full and weighty. It's around them like a quilt as they sit together in the relative heat - just the driver's talk radio on low and the traffic outside. Tae-I rests her head on Donghui's shoulder. Feeling brave again, Donghui takes Tae-I's hand onto her lap and laces their fingers together.

"Tonight was fun," Tae-I comments through a yawn, "Thanks for coming out. I wasn't sure you would." 

Donghui turns Tae-I's hand over. Small and cute and perfectly sized. Rose nail polish. Silver and pink pearls around her wrist. A miniscule mole under one knuckle. 

"Why wouldn't I?" she asks, "Free night out, I mean..." 

"Yeah, but. Hmm." Tae-I stretches and sits up. Donghui's shoulder is cold now - how absolutely unacceptable. "We don't know each other well. I'm, what? Your tutor slash friend's cousin's friend. I'd have understood if you'd said no." 

"But I like Unnie," Donghui pronounces, stroking Tae-I's hair a few times, hoping to telepathically transmit the message that they could likely solve world peace if Tae-I would just agree to rest her head on Donghui's shoulder again. It doesn't work. Tae-I turns to her with a smile. She takes back her hand to fix the laces on her boots. Her face is flushed, but Donghui reminds herself it's just from drinking.

"I like Dongdongie too. You're a really cute dongsaeng." (Donghui wants to scream). "We can be friends too, right?" 

"Of course we can, Unnie. I'd like that." 

Donghui rotates her phone over and over in her palm for want of something to do with her hands. More drained than she'd realised, she dozes off after a few minutes, her head drooping forward and her ever unruly hair falling across her eyes. She's out like a light by the time Tae-I slowly, carefully leans against her side again, shyly linking her pinky finger with the younger girl's.

The following day, Donghui arrives a little later than she had intended for their lesson. Accompanying her is a feeling like her brain has been bleached and spun dry. Otherwise, all is normal, status quo, everything in check. The fact that they could dance hip to hip all night and go directly back to this the next day confirms for Donghui that she is now sitting squarely within the friendzone. Not that long ago she had had a whole argument with Jaemi about how the friendzone isn't real. Now that she is experiencing it, rapid re-evaluations are taking place.

"Guess what," Tae-I exclaims, spinning in her seat to face her and shaking Donghui's knee with both tiny hands. She's wearing a sweater today, bright orange and with sleeves that are far too long for her. Her fingers poke out from threadbare cuffs.

"I can't imagine," Donghui replies, not trying to hide her smile.

"I made you online flashcards!" Tae-I announces, nose scrunched up in excitement.

"What? When did you do that?" Donghui comes closer to Tae-I to see her laptop screen better. (It was perfectly clear already, but now it's perfectly clear _and_ she can smell Tae-I's fruity shampoo). The older woman explains she had made herself something like this when she'd taken the class, except that had been writing it all out on card. So she had opened up this app and, pretty soon, had all the key points of the course and then some up and ready to go. It's very thoughtful. There's no way, Donghui considers, Tae-I just dashed this off in 10 minutes over a cup of coffee like she's wanting to suggest. Not in the mood to hear her deny such things, Donghui envelops Tae-I's hand in hers, bringing it onto her lap and tells her, 

"Thanks, Unnie. You're really the best." 

Tae-I's cheeks turn a new shade of pink, her sweet dimples coming out. Donghui finds it truly interesting how she doesn't take her hand back, how willing she is to let Donghui casually requisition her limbs. 

"It's okay." With her free hand, she tucks Donghui's fringe behind her ear. "You're worth it Dongdongie." 

_Oh. Oh dear_.

After sending Tae-I off later (she has discovered that Tae-I assists in a program teaching Chopin to 4 year olds playing on toddler-sized pianos) and nodding a goodbye to Tae-I's friend behind the counter, Donghui heads out and calls Chenle. She gets Jiseon and Jeno in the bargain. Both crowd into frame to wave or grab Chenle's phone to show Donghui the scenery. It's just the skatepark. Donghui has seen the skatepark. The only time the skatepark is interesting is when Renjun comes too and they get to watch Jiseon try to impress her crush with kickflips. After much struggle, Chenle reclaims her phone and takes it to a seat while those two contemplate a crow tearing apart an abandoned pizza box.

"What's up?" Chenle asks, settling herself on the metal bench, unfazed by any of this.

"Hmm, well. I feel like I want to buy you dinner sometime. Not Jeno - she can fend for herself. But bring Jiseonnie if you want to." Donghui has nipped into a supermarket to get away from the cold and the busy footpath. She's wandering aimlessly down aisles of cheap cosmetics as she talks.

"Okay. I won't say no," Chenle shrugs, an easy grin on her face. She swiftly adjusts the arms of her outsized black hoodie. Donghui is momentarily looking down upon the top of her frazzled blond head. "But why? What did I do? And aren't you broke?" 

"I'm taking you to the noodle stand near yours and Renjun's place," Donghui declares, booking no argument, "Even you can't eat me out of house and home if we go there. And it's because, well, sort of... It's like this - we didn't have a bet or anything, but you were so right and I was so wrong that I want to buy you food and compel you to listen to my problems." 

"Awesome. What was I right about?" 

Donghui takes a deep breath, pausing by vitamin supplements for the over-50s to properly make her important announcement.

"It turns out that I do want to bang my tutor. But I think I kind of want to date her too." 

To Donghui's solemn confession, Chenle responds with a heartfelt and shockingly lengthy,

"Yeaaah, girl!" 

This is precisely the type of fullsome and true reaction that makes Donghui know she could never really disown her precious Chinese daughter. (Even though it's tempting). 


	4. Cauliflower, butter, almond milk and chicory leaves

As days tick by, Donghui is coming to believe that all those times in the past when she told herself she didn't need a relationship were supercilious excuses for her own ineptitude. Her midterm is in a few days. She's likely to ace it, or at least bag herself a solid B grade. Then her reasons for meeting Tae-I every Saturday become significantly flimsier. Apart from some casual flirting online, Donghui hasn't been making progress. In fact, Tae-I most frequently responds to Donghui's flirting with some variation of "Dongdongie is so cute~ 😊💕", so she's not convinced that even counts as progress. Chenle's been encouraging her to go for it. Even Renjun came out of herself enough to back up her roommate and call Donghui a chicken livered loser.

Donghui can take that. Yep, she's chicken. In her defense, it's a long time since she's been in this situation. It's one thing if Tae-I doesn't want Donghui to take her to bed. It's another if Tae-I doesn't like her back at all. Right now, Donghui is not sure where she stands. Confirming that she doesn't have a chance sounds unbearable.

It's evening. An inky blue starry sky stretches overhead and Donghui's sneakers slap on the pavement as she races to the bus stop. Their campus is out in the sticks. Parts of it feel like a ghost world at night, students studying at home or already headed out to find anywhere more exciting to be. The scattered buildings stand sombre and silent like golems. She sees May's face bathed in the harsh light of her phone. The evergreens, silhouetted against the darkening sky, loom above her and the silvery moon watches Donghui breathlessly yell, 

"Yah, Lee May! Am I late?"

May glances up only long enough to shout, 

"Nah, the bus is!" 

Donghui crashes into the bus shelter and leans her forehead against its graffitied exterior waiting for her heart rate to calm down. She hates running. Running is shit. Dancing, football, Zumba, laserquest, rock climbing - these are all awesome. Running just because you've lost track of time and have to sprint across your stupid rural campus is shit. 

"In the mood for movie night?" May asks cheerily, seeing Donghui's puffy face.

"Sure. Can't wait," Donghui pants, picking herself up and patting down the pockets of her baseball jacket to ensure she didn't manage to lose anything on that last dash.

"Hey, er," May clears her throat, "What does it mean if someone asks you do you like Messi?" 

Donghui freezes in the midst of trying to force her bangs to stay where she wants them.

"What? Who asked you that?" 

"Yuutan. That's why I was confused." Yuutan is a senior whom May met when they paint bombed each other during rag week. She's also a striker on the university's women's team. "Is it a meme or something?" 

"You really don't watch dramas at all, do you, MayMay?" Said girl's eyes flit uncomprehendingly between Donghui and the chat app open on her phone. Donghui suppresses a grimace. "I don't know, tell her the truth I guess. See where it takes you." 

"Oh. Okay." May chews her lip. She's not as oblivious as she seems, Donghui notes, sending out a quick prayer for Yuutan's sanity.

She and May are making the trek out to Jaemi's house for movies and what Jaemi's been calling _amuse-bouches_. Donghui doesn't know what that means, she's hoping it's wine. When the bus snorts its way up the winding road to them, they zip on and find seats together near the back, away from the speaker broadcasting a trot concert. The only other passengers are a pair of older ladies from the neighbourhood and first year with a sniffly nose and a sack full of laundry held tightly on his lap.

"Your composition whatever," May says. (She never could remember the title of that course. But then, Donghui only recently quit referring to May as a capitalism major, so it's quite fair). "The exam's... tomorrow?" 

"Day after." 

"Tae-I unnie's gonna be sad." 

Donghui starts, covering it with a horribly artificial cough. She has been stupidly timid about discussing Tae-I matters with May. She's not ready to explain that she wants to do unholy things to Janey's ex, to the cute, shy unnie who came to May's 15th birthday party.

"How... How d'you mean?" 

"I dunno," May replies carelessly, "Just, like, Janey unnie was saying how Tae-I really likes you - like she talks about what a sweet dongsaeng you are to her and stuff." 

Donghui cringes. _Sweet dongsaeng_ , that's just great.

"Yeah, I mean I like her too. She's really funny and, er..." _I want to hold her hand. She can choke me with her thighs. I want to fall asleep, my head upon her bosom, her fingers combing through my hair._ "I've got her on social media, like, we can stay in touch. Are you still talking to Yuutan unnie?" 

"Yo! She asked me how I keep my nails? Look, there's a diagram" 

She points her phone screen at Donghui to show her the cartoon with different nail lengths and styles. Donghui raises an eyebrow. Someone is being messed with here, surely. Maybe it's her 

"What did you tell her?" 

"On my fingers." May's grinning, proud of her own lame joke. Despite herself, Donghui guffaws. She leans against May's side laying her head on the older girl's shoulder, intent on spending the rest of the journey there.

"Be nice to her, yeah?" 

"Yeah, I will," May murmurs. A small smile blooms on Donghui's lips. She knew May wasn't so oblivious as she acts.

Donghui is disgusted to learn that _amuse-bouche_ means 'small wanky food'. Jaemi has prepared a few vintage trays patterned with trailing vines and vibrant blossoms. Upon them she has arranged tiny slices of chorizo skewered together with a piece of mushroom, tiny shots of red pepper soup topped with feta and a single roast pine nut, and tiny silver spoons holding a piped spiral of cauliflower cheese mousse. Donghui is in no way questioning her friend's artistry. Nevertheless, her palette is not amused. Rather, it is frustrated by the lack of follow-up. She is also curious how Jaemi can do things like this, yet regularly forgets to eat solid food until it's two in the morning and she's complaining about having a stomach ache again.

"Eat more," the chef instructs, rolling hard onto Donghui's stomach, trapping her leg between her thighs and holding a slice of sausage to her lips. Donghui complies. The pressure on her stomach lessens and Jaemi snuggles up to her side. Her friend looks adorable in her Cinnamonroll pyjama shorts and headband, but she is not to be messed with.

They're onto their second movie. (Bringing Up Baby - Jeno had said it suited the food, whatever that meant. Donghui hadn't seen why they even needed an excuse to watch Katharine Hepburn in silk dresses). When she and May had arrived, Jeno and Renjun were already sprawled across the Na family's sofa. Renjun was arguing with Jaemi about some nonsense while the latter piped cauliflower mush onto silverware. Jeno, using whatever persuasive magic she possesses, had gotten Renjun to sit between her legs. Not wanting to disrupt Jeno's moment - and having zero desire to get roped into helping Jaemi with her pretentious foods - May and Donghui skedaddled up to Jaemi's room to rifle through her movie collection. Now they're all here - May, Donghui and Jaemi taking over the bed; Renjun on the little futon, hugging a gigantic dinosaur plushie; Jeno, feline that she is, curled up on the rug, head resting against Renjun's knee. It's a long way from the Na house to campus, so Donghui figures this is how she's spending the night now - with Jaemi's headband tickling her nose and occasionally being force-fed atom snacks. It's not bad, she supposes, holding Jaemi a little closer, feeling the exhausted girl sigh happily, her breath on Donghui's collarbone.

"Mm, you know, Dongdongie. Lele and I had a thought," she mumbles, "It's a good one, trust me." 

"Yeah, it's super," Renjun chips in, anything but sincere. In the movie, Cary Grant in a fluffy bathrobe is despairing about women. Donghui is taken aback to find herself empathising with a straight man.

Jaemi and Chenle's thought involves the sorority's annual charity ball. The university has exactly one sorority. During the 80s and 90s it was known for the shamelessness with which its members cheated on exams and being implicated on several occasions in suicide attempts by poor freshers. Nowadays it's mostly just a networking club for rich kids. Jaemi and Chenle aren't the sort to show off their wealth. However, money sniffs out other money and they'd been recruited almost before they set foot on campus. Neither of them make great use of their membership, but the charity ball is a necessary exception.

"It's for a donkey sanctuary," Jaemi tells her, sitting up to make her point, "That's so important. Have you ever thought about unwanted donkeys?" 

Donghui has not. Considering the huge, earnest gaze Jaemi is hitting her with, she thinks it really must be important though. Jaemi and Chenle have both bought their tickets but neither has a plus one. This sounds very much like bullshit, in Donghui's humble opinion. Jaemi could have any boy on campus, and if she didn't feel like dealing with a boy she could just bring Jeno. Chenle too - Donghui knows for a fact that Taiwanese boy, Shuhua, has been flirting with her for months. If not him, it's a self-evident truth that Felicity would swim with sharks for the chance to spend the night in a pretty dress dancing with Chenle and keeping her from being lonely. Despite this, Jaemi is adamant that there's no one she wants to bring with her who isn't otherwise engaged, and Chenle, 

"She asked me," Renjun admits, "But it's... not a good idea." She wriggles in her seat, hugging the big green plushie tight.

"Oh. Is that closet case bitch going to be there?" Donghui snarls.

"She's not a closet case - she just likes cock," Renjun mutters into the plushie's head.

"She is a bitch though," Jaemi summarises before Donghui can become colourful about what her opinion of the girl who rejected Renjun and spread lies about her is. Jeno squeezes Renjun's knee in comfort and Renjun strokes her black hair. Donghui takes a deep breath.

"Okay, so you and Lele are single and lonely." (May smacks her with Jaemi's Ryan neck pillow for that). "What does that have to do with me?" 

"Be my plus-one. And Tae-I can be Chenle's. Wouldn't that be fun?" 

Donghui's ears are on fire. May is right beside her. They are sharing body heat. May, who Jaemi knows is unaware of Donghui's crush, is sitting there, her little feet crossed at the ankles, head cocked wanting to know more. Donghui is going to asphyxiate Na Jaemi with her mountain of brand-name plushies.

"What do you mean?" she squeaks.

"I mean it would be fun," Jaemi laughs, flashing her teeth, "Look, I have this one thing to do during the dinner, but then Lele and I just want to, you know, drink and flirt with the waiters. And we remembered how Tae-I took you to that gig the other week. This could be, sort of, returning the favor? How fun~!" 

"I - I guess," Donghui chokes out, "I don't know. I don't know if she'd be into it." 

"She would," May cuts in, "Unnie is shy, but she likes parties really. And getting to dress up and hit the open bar with her dongsaeng? She'd definitely be down."

Donghui stares a moment, contemplating the idea. Then she looks away in case some twitch or tick should give away what she honestly thinks about Tae-I putting on a pretty dress and getting tipsy with her. Only then, it hits her, 

"Wait, hold up. This thing is formal. Nana, I'd have to buy a dress." 

"Well, probably, yeah." 

"Nana..." Donghui loves Jaemi very much. But the fact is she has never had to eat nothing but rice and kimchi for two weeks just to afford text books. She has never experienced the nihilistic buzz of splurging on makeup when you know that, if a single one of your tutees cancels, you won't be paying your tuition fees on time.

"Look. After your exam," Jaemi states, shuffling around on the bed to face Donghui fully and taking her hands in hers, "You, me, thrift shop. I am excellent at thrift shopping, you know I am!" she insists as if she were being challenged, "Come on. Come on! Let me find you a pretty dressy dress. I can do it! Let Nana find a pretty dress for Princess Dongdongie!" She's yanking Donghui around in time with her whining at this stage, the others chuckling at them unhelpfully. May moves the orange blossom designed tray out of the way to save the few bites of chorizo left on it. For the sake of a quiet life, Donghui hollers, 

"Fine, I'm in! Unhand me, you leech." 

Jaemi flings her arms around Donghui's neck, forcefully dragging her back down onto the bed for a vigorous cuddle.

Donghui strolls out of her midterm early. When she emerges from the depths of the faceless brick building where it was held, the spring sun is shining on her face, flocks of birds are busy high up in the evergreens, and Tae-I's just updated instagram. Donghui takes all of these as good signs.

 **Moonteemoontae** : _a present from @seunggi_k_ 😊😆🧡 _aren't they cute?!!_ 🥕🍅🥒🥑🥔

She's showing off her stationery. There are pens shaped like vegetables and a notebook to match. Smiling cartoon radishes play about on the cover. (Donghui screams into her fist). Tae-I showed her location. Before Donghui's brain can stymie her, she skips off to North Block C, where the post-grads hide out.

She finds her outside, soaking up the afternoon sunshine. She's sitting on the weird stone sculptures sipping coffee with some guy in a pink hoodie and combats. Tae-I is wearing bright red jean shorts, a t-shirt and another flannel shirt about two sizes too big for her. Donghui's immediate thoughts are, firstly, that life is sweet and Jesus loves her, but also that it's still too cold to be sitting around on modern art in jean shorts.

"Unnie! She calls out, waving her hand above her head like Tae-I might miss her in the absence of crowd. There's barely a soul outside.

"Ah! My Dongdongie!" 

Donghui very nearly trips over her own feet. Tae-I makes space for her on the stone blob. Donghui slides on and wraps an arm around her shoulders. She can't help fussing, 

"Unnie, aren't you cold?" 

Tae-I's bare thigh is against hers, pale skin pressed close to black denim. She shakes her head no, her ponytail brushing Donghui's hand with the motion.

"I'm okay," she assures. She's looking at Donghui with the warm gaze that makes Donghui's heart swoop into her mouth. 

"Alright. Don't be cold, Unnie." She tugs the older woman a little closer. Tae-I giggles, embarrassed. She slaps Donghui's thigh lightly, but snuggles against her all the same.

"I'll leave you two alone," the boy interrupts, smirk on his lips. Tae-I promises to message him later. It's only as he's leaving, zipping the pink hoodie up to his chin, that it occurs to Donghui that he's the same boy who was swaggering around on stage and getting blown by his manager the other week. Presumably he's the same Seunggi who bought Tae-I the ugly vegetable pens that made her smile. Donghui decides she likes him.

"How did you do?" Tae-I asks, tracing a finger over the rim of her coffee cup, "Was the test okay?" 

"I think I did well. It's all thanks to Unnie."

Tae-I snorts and elbows her side. 

"It's thanks to Donghui. I hardly had to do a thing." She didn't _have_ to do anything, but she did a lot and all as a favour. Organising Donghui's mass of confused notes. Talking her through the professor's material. Making her flashcards even. Donghui knows she can't say this plainly without Tae-I denying she'd expended any energy whatsoever for Donghui, so she keeps quiet. "I guess you're done with this unnie now." 

Donghui squeezes Tae-I's knee with her free hand. She knows Tae-I is joking (she bloody hopes she is, anyway) but she asks, 

"Does Unnie want me to leave her alone?" 

Tae-I's eyes go wide. She covers Donghui's hand with hers.

"No, oh my gosh! I'll be lonely if you go away." 

"I guess life is fairly futile and meaningless without Donghui. I don't know how non-Donghuis deal with it." 

"Why would you even say that?" Tae-I laughs at her, "You have to keep being friends with Unnie, okay?" She's turned more into Donghui's space, coffee cup abandoned on the ground. Taking the hint, Donghui lets her arm slip down Tae-I's back to her waist, drawing her into a loose hug. Tae-I settles against her side. She smells of coffee and bubble gum. Donghui tells herself it's not obvious that she just sniffed her friend's hair, but she knows that's not true.

"In any case, you're still on for the party right?" she asks. Tae-I had sounded excited about it over DMs, but who knows? Everyone can change their mind.

"Of course," she answer without budging. Her voice is quiet, words only for Donghui, "I can't wait, my Dongdongie." 

Donghui shivers. She likes that. She really likes it a lot.


	5. Orange juice and vodka over ice, grenadine syrup and an orange slice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tae-I's part of this gets a bit dark. Nothing's stated explicitly so I didn't want to put it in the tags, but you should still be cautious:  
> → The section in Tae-I's PoV includes mentions of a past unhealthy, possibly abusive relationship.

Much to Jaemi's chagrin, it's Jeno who found The Dress. Chenle wasn't there, but she heard about it in great detail from Donghui while she and Renjun were doing her hair and makeup. She expects to hear about it in even greater detail when the speeches wrap up and she can finally go drink without fear of being asked to raise a toast for some balding investor she's supposed to recognise. Jaemi doesn't get to "accidentally" miss the dinner and speeches. When she had said she had a little thing to do during the dinner, what she'd in fact meant was giving a speech about the donkey sanctuary's work and the importance of the collaboration with the university and how cool and sexy it would be for the rich people present to drop a cheeky standing order the sanctuary's way. Chenle's paraphrasing.

While they wait for the boring bit to end, she and Donghui are hanging out in the foyer of the swanky hotel, prettifying the place with their presence. Chenle, for her part, didn't bother hunting down a new dress. She's already talked her mum into sending Jaemi's donkeys a fat cheque. Now she's just here for wine and dancing (and maybe kissing that one waiter with the mullet who's been eyeing up her knees. Her knees are sexy - she likes a man with taste). She brought out a black silk dress, long with a naughty slit up the leg, and paired it with a few pieces of gold jewelery and matching heels for a solidly classy look. Then she dyed her hair bright orange, because sometimes that's just what you have to do.

Beside her on the foyer's mint green Rococo couch, nails tapping a hole in the cushions, Donghui is stressed.

"What if - look, no. Hear me out, okay? What if she's realised I'm into her, and she's too lovely to reject me to my face, so she's just not going to turn up, give me some excuse, then grind my heart into dust tomorrow? What if, okay? I think it's possible."

She crosses and uncrosses her legs, dress riding dangerously high on her tanned thighs. Chenle swirls her wine and ponders Mullet Waiter's ass. (He doesn't appear to have one. But maybe it's hiding).

"Dongie-unnie, is the face you make when you're near her anything like the face you make when you talk about her? Because if it is, then I don't think she's going to be surprised you like her. I think she already knows." 

"Oh shit... You're right." Donghui's eyes are bulging out of her head a little. "You're so right. Shit." 

Chenle lets her sit with that. She's seen the older girl in love before - but that was a different thing, a bittersweet longing and an acceptance of no hope. She suspects that's the part knocking Donghui for six, the hope that she might really get what her heart is crying for. 

Anyhow, if this unnie has any sense she's going to be climbing Donghui like a tree in no time. Jeno did a super good job finding The Dress. Chenle can see why Jaemi wouldn't have picked it - it's a mini dress, all gold and shiny. But it suits Donghui, highlighting her sun-kissed skin and her chocolate eyes. It makes her legs look ten miles long and lovingly hugs her curves. (Thinking about it, Jeno has always appreciated a shiny girl, especially a curvy shiny one - although it's only ever platonic). Donghui's makeup is bronzes and bold reds. There's glitter in her hair, gold chains around her wrist, and amber and rubies dangling from her ears. Renjun has stenciled a sunflower garter belt around Donghui's thigh - having the juiciest thighs in the building wasn't enough on its own, evidently Renjun wants her to flex that shit. She's also drawn a bloom of butterflies ascending her neck. These are the sorts of things you keep an art hoe best friend around for. The end result is Donghui looks gorgeous, like she's born amongst the stars, dripping sunlight in her wake. If Tae-I doesn't worship the result, Chenle's going to look into having her cursed. (She'll do it - she knows people).

"Look. Right. Just supposing her lift canceled. Like, just supposing. And then what if she ordered a ride, but got the same driver as Jiseonnie that time when..." 

The speeches are wrapping up inside. Tae-I really will be late if she doesn't get here soon. That being so, Chenle sits back to humour Donghui's anxious rant. However, it's Donghui who cuts herself off, trailing away mid-sentence. Chenle looks up from her wine to see Donghui with an expression something between adoration and crippling anxiety. Following her fixed gaze, she easily spots the source of her friend's cranial short circuit.  
There's a girl in a dress the color of cherry blossoms. She's just come in, standing in the tall arched entrance under the chandelier light, looking slightly lost. Her brown hair is up, a few strands falling down to frame her pale face. Blusher on her plump cheeks, teeth nervously biting scarlet lips. She spies Donghui and smiles. It makes her eyes sparkle and her nose crinkle. Chenle seems to feel physically the delight spilling from Donghui's being. Her friend unfreezes enough to wave the cute unnie over.

As she hurries over, wobbly on strappy pink heels, a couple of things become apparent to Chenle . Firstly, that Donghui hadn't been kidding, Tae-I really is tiny. Probably shorter than Renjun. But whereas Renjun is all angry, brittle and pointy, Tae-I looks soft, sketched in sweeping, flowing lines. And that was the second thing. The lace corset holds in an hourglass figure. It's decorated with arabesque leaves, dusted with silver, from the off-the-shoulder straps, dipping down to the ribbon tied around her waist. The silky skirts flutter as she moves, swinging around full hips and thighs that are at least as juicy as Donghui's. Maybe even more so. Chenle holds a hand to her temple. What a concept. She requires a moment to wrap her head around the combined juiciness. But Tae-I's already there, greeting with a simper,

"Dongdongie~! Oh no. I'm late again, aren't I?" 

"No, Unnie. You're right on time," Donghui answers, high voice dripping with honey.  
They're what you might cool 'grossly lost in each other's eyes' then. Fortunately, before Chenle has to be the one to interrupt, Tae-I snaps out of it and asks,

"Won't you introduce me?" 

"Oh right. Lele, this is Tae-I unnie." She takes a hold of Tae-I's hand. The older woman shows no particular reaction - which Chenle takes as a good sign. She couldn't accept someone who had an issue with Donghui's clingy tendencies. "Unnie, this is Chenle, the one who's technically your date tonight. She's my precious Chinese daughter from Shanghai." 

"Baby sha sha sha oh." The two undergrads stare at Tae-I in confusion. She blushes and giggles awkwardly, "Nothing. It's lovely to meet you."

"You too, Unnie. My date tonight is so cute! Let's get to know each other better." Chenle can feel Donghui scowling at her. She sips her wine with glee.

"So anyway," Donghui begins, before remembering to sweeten her tone, "It sounds like Jaemi's done flirting with the old men. Shall we make our entrance?" 

Chenle knocks back the last drop of wine in her glass and takes Tae-I's other hand. Donghui is close to shooting deadly laser beams with her glare. Chenle chuckles. Danger is her middle name. Zhong Danger Chenle: woman of science, citizen of the world.

"Flirting with old men?" Tae-I enquires cautiously. Promptly clearing the death lasers from her vision, Donghui promises,

"I'll explain later, Unnie. Jaemi is looking forward to meeting you. Don't trust her if she says anything weird, okay?" 

  
Tae-I laughs, open-mouthed and melodic. Chenle's all but forgotten about Mullet Waiter. Tiny Unnie is much more interesting.

Donghui finds Jaemi sitting out in the garden around midnight. She's gazing up at the night sky roiling with indigo and charcoal clouds. She has a frost white cashmere shawl around her that she flicks back and forth lazily to keep the bugs away from her bare shoulders and exposed neck. Her long blond hair is gathered into an elaborate braided bun. (Even though Donghui knows how to do that hairstyle, if she'd tried it on herself, it would have collapsed before she'd reached the venue. Before she'd exited her front door, possibly. But Jaemi's hair isn't the anarchist fifth column that Donghui's is).

"Greetings, Princess," she calls, waving Donghui over to the wooden bench. She's sitting amongst beds of unhappy red roses, near a heating lamp blazing behind a swarm of insects.

"Didn't expect to find you chilling in the smokers' section," Donghui notes scooting close to her friend - and, therefore, away from the insect thronged lamp. 

"Needed a break," Jaemi shrugs with a lazy smile. She runs fingers through Donghui's hair, then pushes it aside to touch the butterflies on her neck. Donghui squirms, she's ticklish, but she lets Jaemi have her way.

"Am I a bad friend for not knowing you were so involved with this?" she asks after a moment, wringing her hands together. It's been bothering her all night.

"Hmm, no? I hadn't Intended to be. But, uh, last month, Professor Cho asked me to come for a meeting." 

"I remember that," Donghui interrupts, wriggling into Jaemi's arms. This way Jaemi can't keep tickling her neck, but can keep petting her hair - Donghui is a genius (very) occasionally.

"Yeah, well, that was about this. I just had to convince a few people to turn up and open their wallets. But... you were kind of stressy about your courses then, and Renjun was down cos that girl's cronies were still being awful. So I guess I didn't really talk about it much, except with Nono and kinda May-unnie."

"Okay. You know you can talk to us, too?" she checks, running her knuckles over the creamy silk of Jaemi's skirts overhanging her knee. "Even if we've got stuff going on, you can still talk about what's going on with you." 

"Of course, I - um," Jaemi blabbers then cuts herself off. Donghui feels her inhale and exhale slowly. She places her hand over Donghui's and says with intense sincerity, "I do know. I really appreciate you, Dongdongie. All of you." 

That's a lot even for Donghui, so she stays silent enjoying the moment. The moon above, shining behind the clouds. The warmth from the lamp and the cool of the night. Jaemi swaying to whatever song is playing in her head.

"By the way," Jaemi asks, shattering the atmosphere. "Why are you out here cuddling me and not in there twerking on your milf?" 

Donghui sits up straight, fists on her hips. 

"Okay, first off, because I was worried about you and missed you, bitch. Is that a problem?" 

Jaemi, eyes big, shakes her head, hands balled up in the material of her skirts. Donghui doesn't press the point. "And she's not a milf! Please. She's only 26." 

"Okay okay, I'm sorry," Jaemi mollifies her friend as she smoothes her skirts out again, "Why aren't you with her though? You're supposed to be in there sweeping her off her feet."

"It's Lele's fault," Donghui mutters darkly, folding her arms. Jaemi's incredulous look causes Donghui to bluster, "It is! Lele stole my girl. It's always the bitches closest to you." 

"Fine. Well then." Jaemi gets up, chivalrously offering Donghui her hand, "Let's you and I go in there and steal her back. I didn't go halves on that dress for you to waste it not twerking on your milf." 

"Nana of my heart, you're on thin fucking ice." 

Jaemi laughs in her face. But the facts are what they are. As they entered, Chenle and Tae-I had been talking about drinks and Chenle's recent fixation on vodka. That had led to Tae-I ordering Russian sunrises. That had in turn led to 'drinking game song' playlists on Spotify, which had somehow led to her, her daughter, and the object of her affections falling over each other cackling whilst trying to sing along to Michael Jackson. (And that led to Donghui blushing, face hot as lava. Because she'd only ever seen videos of Tae-I singing. She'd never before been that close to the high notes strung out glittering in the air, to see her perfect control of her breath, from her belly up through her chest to attacking Donghui's unworthy ears). Thriller had led to superstitions and the jade around Chenle's neck and, lamentably, Youngjo's pizza preference.

"No fucking way," Jaemi wheezes, delighted with this discovery. Donghui grits her teeth. Youngjo is the poltergeist who lives in Renjun and Chenle's flat. No one is entirely clear if Chenle genuinely believes in him or just likes to play along to humour Renjun. Recently the Chinese girls ordered pizzas. During the night, the left over half of the Hawaiian one mysteriously vanished. Renjun guessed it was a new taste for Youngjo. Chenle agreed they should make sure to set a slice aside for him next time. Jiseon, who had stayed over that night, kept her mouth firmly shut.

Now the whole ridiculous story has been relayed to a tipsy Tae-I who met it with wide, kitten eyes and a - part amazed, part amused, "Who would have thought?" 

Jaemi slides the glass door to the ballroom back open and let's Donghui in first. Tae-I is where she'd left her, chatting with Chenle, Sooyoung and Winnie. The number of glasses cluttering the table in front of them has increased somewhat. She looks incandescent, in her element. Their eyes meet across the dance floor. The butterflies on Donghui's neck swarm into her head, batting their wings and making her dizzy.

Donghui spins her in slow circles. The DJ is playing old pop music, his playlist middle-of-the-road to the point of being offensive to the ears. Not that Tae-I hears it, not really. It's like that with Donghui. Everything fades away. It's easy - so easy to throw her arms around the girl's neck, to let herself float away. The way Donghui looks at her, it makes Tae-I feel like she's drowning, yet somehow still sure she's safe. Everything will be okay. No dangers can reach her when this girl is holding her by the waist. Although, there's a voice inside, squatting in her heart. It's forever hissing at her that no, it can never be easy. When she drowns she drowns. Maybe she'll have dragged this kind and gorgeous girl with her. This can't be real.

Donghui mumbles something against her hair. Her hand, dangerously low on Tae-I's hips, moves in little circles. Tae-I breathes in her scent, wine and jasmine. She's drifting away on the night. She makes herself put distance between them.

"What did you say, my Dongdongie?" 

"It's nothing." Those sultry eyes. It's hard to look and it's hard to look away. "I'm just so glad you came. Tae-I has done so much for me, I wanted to do something for you, give you a good time. Make you feel good." It's too much. Tae-I's gaze drops, captured by Donghui's red lips, watching them form the words, "You feel good, don't you? Tae-I yah." 

She nods, unable to respond in words. What would kissing Donghui be like? Can she do that? She thinks about the flutter when the girl takes her hand; how the whole world shimmers when she smiles; the security of being in her arms; the molten heat inside when they dance close. Is that what it would feel like to close the distance, to kiss her mouth, sloppy and hard, and let Donghui steal her breath away?

Donghui's hand caresses her neck, strokes the hair at her nape, cradles her cheek. Tae-I sees her eyes as they trace every dip and angle. Tae-I knows she's not beautiful, but when Donghui's beholding her like this she almost believes. The girl's thumb finds the scar under her eye, running over the jagged white line.

"Tae-I is beautiful tonight. You're so beautiful."

That voice buried in Tae-I's heart laughs, derisive and acid. She laughs herself, retreats to the safety of treating this like it's not real.

"How can you say that to me?" 

"Can't I?" The girl shoots back. Her tone is unperturbed, but her hold tightens, pulling Tae-I back against her. "Let me praise you." She's close, her lips brush Tae-I's temple, her voice a bewitching whisper, "I want to praise you." 

It's more than Tae-I can bear. She gives in to Donghui's hold, resting her weight against her, hiding her face in the crook of her neck. She can feel the girl's heart beating, feel how she takes a few slow breaths, how her grip loosens a shade. She strokes Tae-I's nape.

"I'm going to keep praising you. Is that okay?" She tilts Tae-I's heads to face her. The older woman sees the hint of uncertainty ghosting over her confident front.

"Could I stop you?" she jokes.

Donghui smirks. In that moment, Tae-I has never wanted to be kissed more. The girl's gentle touch finds her scar again. Tae-I's eyes flutter as another chunk of her resistance drowns. 

"Where did you get this?" She looks Tae-I in the eye, checking her reaction. "If I can ask." 

Tae-I's heart misses a beat. She tries not to show it, affixing a smile. She holds Donghui's hand and brings it back down to her waist, diffusing some of the intense energy between them.

"Sure, it's fine. I got in an argument with my boyfriend and, when I tried to leave, I ended up doing this to myself." Donghui's hold tightens. There are storm clouds in her eyes. Tae-I hears her own words play back in her head. That mocking voice in her heart sneers. "Oh! No, it's not whatever you're thinking. We were bickering about something stupid. I got fed up with him, so I grabbed my coat to leave. But it was winter and I slipped on ice going down the steps. Had to go back to get him to drive me to the hospital." 

There's something creeping under her skin, something spidery and foul. She silently wills it away. She felt so happy earlier. She felt so pretty and perfect when she'd arrived, when Donghui had smiled down at her and held her hand.

The girl presses a kiss near her eye, along the line of her scar. Like butterfly wings dusting her cheek, it passes in a heartbeat. Tae-I can barely breathe.

"I know you try to hide it," Donghui is saying. Her voice reaches Tae-I like she's hearing it underwater. "But you don't need to. It's not something ugly." Tae-I meets her eyes. Donghui's gaze sears her skin. Her voice makes Tae-I tremble. "You know I mean it, right? I really like you, Tae-I yah. I think I like every bit of you, every inch of you."

Her hands slide down to Tae-I's hips, to her ass. Tae-I feels the silk of her skirts cool against the back of her thighs. She bites her lip hard. She can't. She can't do this. She's sinking to the depths and dragging this beautiful girl with her.

"Tae-I, what's wrong?" Donghui kisses her hair. "You're shaking." 

She steps back. Her lungs fill with air. The awful music raps at her skull. She's gripping Donghui's forearms - to keep herself steady or to keep the girl at a distance, she really can't say.

"I have to go." The words tumble out and she's amazed Donghui even understands her.

"What? Unnie, why? Did I do something wrong?" 

"No, you're perfect. But I'm going to leave." 

"Tae-I, please, let me walk you out. I was too much, wasn't I? I'm sorry." 

"No. Don't say sorry. It's me. I just have to leave. Don't follow me." 

She risks a glance at Donghui and sees the hurt and confusion marring her face. _You see? You see the problems you cause_? That voice inside doesn't stop jeering as she runs away.

Alone and shell shocked, Donghui spots Jaemi in her angelic white dress and Tropicana orange Chenle near the bar, so she drifts over to them. But she has no idea what she'll say. She's done something wrong - she must have, no matter what Tae-I claimed. She came on too strong. She said the wrong things. _Something_ she did made the prettiest girl she knows run away from her. Donghui's knees feel like jelly. Maybe she really doesn't like Donghui back. Chenle's too innocent and Jaemi and Jeno can't be trusted with these things - just because they thought Donghui stood a chance was no reason to have listened to them. As she approaches their table, Jaemi notices and rises from her seat.

"Where's - Hey, Princess, what's wrong?" 

"She's... she's gone. I – I don't know. I don't…" 

Jaemi's arms are already embracing her when the first sob clogs up her throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Tae-I's references are too millennial for you, you may not have seen [this](https://youtu.be/jxxoq7uqnbU)?


	6. Tinned tuna, cheddar cheese, chopped spring onions and a generous dollop of mayonnaise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New PoV, Nakamoto Yuu: soccer ace, known generally as Yuutan, known to her fanboys as 'Yuu-sama, please kick me in the face'.

[Good night, Unnie ❤️]

[Morning~ ❤️] 

[Unnie, let me know ur alright, ok? 😔]

[Even if u don't want to talk to me👉👈]

[If ur ok could u send a kitty pls]

[Please?]

[₍˄·͈༝·͈˄₎ฅ˒˒]

[😿💝] 

It's now a day since Donghui got her kaomoji cat (which didn't set her mind at ease anything like how she'd hoped) and three days since the ball. Donghui doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to bombard Tae-I with calls and txts. She figures she came on too strong that night, so she's not going to help herself by doing the same over the phone. At the same time, it could be that she really misread the signs altogether. In that case, she's going to try to take the hint. Hopefully, by giving Tae-I some space Donghui will be able to salvage whatever friendship they were developing. 

Donghui slides her phone back into her bag and attempts to seriously concentrate on the lecture. It's the culture module of her Japanese course, meaning it's one of the few lectures she has that actually have a lot of students. She's ended up with no one she particularly recognises around her. That should be good to help her focus, but this afternoon her mind is wandering. Nothing about the grey concrete walls, the grey photos of old generals on the lecturer's slides, or the constant tapping of laptop keys is keeping her present. 

She asked Tae-I about her scar. She shouldn't have done that, she's sure. Donghui hadn't meant to drag up an unhappy memory. Tae-I had said that it wasn't, that it was just an accident on a winter night. Only, then she'd run away and has texted Donghui exactly once in the three days subsequent. Donghui hides her face in her palms. She hadn't meant to hurt her. She has a scar herself, a small thing at her eyebrow, but big enough to make her self-conscious. That's why. She had just wanted to kiss her cheek and let her know she's beautiful. She really really needs Tae-I to know how beautiful she is.

She's jolted back to reality by people around her getting up, conversations sparking up. She groans and scrapes a hand through her hair - not a word of that lecture has lodged in her head. She stuffs her things in her bag. The Burberry bear keychain (a gift from May) reminds her she's promised to meet the older girl by the pool. May said she wants a coffee and some company before she locks herself away to work on an essay. Donghui doesn't expect she'll be very good company right now. Nevertheless, a promise is a promise and who is Donghui to turn down a pretty older girl buying her coffee?

The air-con had been on in the lecture hall, although the weather's not that warm yet. When Donghui pushes open the doors of the old building the air outside feels relatively balmy and fresh. She takes her time strolling across the green towards the sports centre, relishing in the sunshine and the blue sky dotted with puffs of pure white clouds. She scuffs her feet over the freshly mown grass. The smell of it still lingers in the air, tickling her nose. She closes her eyes, forces the spiny knots of tension to unwind. It might be okay. May broke her heart once and now they're friends again. Donghui hasn't even known Tae-I for long, not properly. So logically shouldn't it be easier to fix things? The points of tension are gathering in her forehead again. It doesn't feel easier.

Two long shadows fall across her path. Donghui looks up from her old sneakers now caked in cut grass. She blinks in the sunlight. 

"Lee Donghui, we meet again!" 

The digital clock on her microwave read 19:42, but that thing was always lying. Estimating based on when she'd gotten home and the number of episodes of this drama she'd watched so far, Yuu guessed it was about 1 a.m. Yuu had been gazing into the abyss of their fridge for several minutes already. Thankfully, her roommate, Jungwon, wasn't there to nag about the electricity bill. Having said that, Yuu's good at talking Jungwon into running to the conbini, so perhaps it wasn't good. Their fridge was a diptych of famine and desolation (and plague - that jar of pesto at the back was alive with things that shouldn't be). Yuu grimaced. She shut the door with a sense of accepting the balance of life and that, in order to appreciate bounty, we must first experience privations.

She scratched her nose and stared accusatorily at the pile of unfolded laundry minding its own business on the flimsy kitchen chair. Now what ought she do? There were only three episodes of her drama left, so she was damned if she were going to bed now. And yet she needed sustenance to get herself through and accept her inevitable disappointment with the female lead's choices and the male lead's everything. She couldn't run to the conbini herself - that was the sort of thing that involved wearing pants and a bra, and 1 a.m was _no_ time to be wearing either pants or a bra. Yuu made herself comfortable on the unfolded laundry and, chin on her fist, tried to dredge from her memories Jungwon's explanation of how you can test a raw egg to see if it's gone off or not. There was one seated in the fridge door, but, with no date stamped on it, she didn't trust it's naive demeanor.

The sound of heels click-clacking past her door shook her out of thoughts of communicating with the baby chicken's spirit. She heard keys jangling, a door creak and be slammed shut. If asked later, Yuu wouldn't be able to explain how she'd known. But the fact was she _was_ familiar with the various noises of this apartment block and knew without a shadow of a doubt that that person returning had been her neighbor three doors down, Moon Tae-I. Yuu frowned. Something was wrong. Tae-I was supposed to be getting railed by May's cute friend right about now. Donghui didn't screw up with Tae-I, did she? The thought alone left Yuu's heart stricken with conflict. Precious May-chan couldn't be besties with someone who hurts Tae-I unnie, surely? That didn't compute.

She jumped up and dug into the laundry. Tae-I was worth wearing pants for. Yuu would find out what was up. (And if nothing were up and Yuu's protective instincts were misfiring, then Tae-I's fridge was usually better stocked and a few degrees less hazardous than her and Jungwon's).

She heard some scuffling inside after she knocked and Tae-I's voice, muffled, 

"Just a sec! Give me a moment."

Yuu hunched in on herself as she waited. Her desire to check up on her dear neighbour had led her to don a whole pair of trousers (the red plaid pair that she had once accused Tae-A of stealing. Yuu made a mental note to rectify that wrong later in the day). However, it had not compelled her to wear a bra and socks and, frankly, their hallway is bitterly cold when it's 1 in the morning and you're wearing flip-flops and your decade-old Luna Sea t-shirt. Her discomfort must have shown on her face, because when Tae-I opened the door - first a crack, then pushing it wide - she exclaimed,

"Yuutan! Oh dear, did you fight with Jungwonnie?" 

Tae-I peered up at her with genuine concern in her eyes. Her eyes that were red-rimmed and still with traces of smudged makeup. She had had time to change into white pyjama pants and the lime green hoodie with monstrous cartoon teeth and eyes on the hood (an item which Tae-I _insisted_ was pretty), but not to properly hide that she had been crying. Yuu congratulated herself on her impeccable instincts and invited herself in. 

"Jungwonnie and I are fine. She's spending the night at her unnie's house. But Tae-I unnie," Yuu clasped her neighbour's hands tightly in hers, "Will you make me toast, please?"

All mere mortals were weak to Nakamoto Yuu's bewitching puppy eyes, Tae-I especially so. Replying, she stumbled over her words, never mind that she had seen and been on the receiving end of those looks and the sincere pleading tones more times than she could count, 

"Oh. Yes, I- I can do that. Take a... Uh, make yourself at home, Yuutan-ah." 

"I love you terribly," Yuu told her before unhanding Tae-I and letting her shuffle into the kitchen to make snacks. With that, Yuu made her way into the sitting room to clear enough space on Tae-I's ever swamped couch for two people to decently fit. On her way, she passed Tae-I's bedroom and noticed a splash of pink thrown across the bed. Yuu had helped her pick out that dress. In the shop, she'd joked that it was hardly worth the expense since May-chan's friend would be stripping her out of it before she could blink (if the girl had any sense). Tae-I had slapped her arm and blushed prettily, saying, " _What are you even saying, Yuutan?_ " Yuu had hoped that was introverted Korean girl speak for 'I'm gonna eat her out like I'm a koala bear and she's a verdant forest of eucalyptus'. But perhaps that had been over optimistic on Yuu's part. She pursed her lips. She'd get to the bottom of this, no matter what. 

In truth, Tae-I's cooking skills are several notches below Yuu's. Importantly though she is infinitely better at things like remembering that the rubbish bin isn't a black hole and needs to be both filled and emptied, and understanding that when she eats food she needs to replace it with other food. This means her kitchen is far more palatable than that which Yuu subjects herself and Jungwon to. It's a level of adulting Yuu aspires to. When Tae-I set down two mugs of tea and a plate with hot tuna toast (featuring cheese arranged into deranged, melty smiley faces), Yuu told her again,

"I do love you, Unnie. When shall we marry?" 

Tae-I squeezed in beside her. (She had cleared about 60% of Tae-I's two-seater couch of papers, assorted wires and gadgets, several scarves and a coat, then decided that was more than sufficient and awarded herself a sit-down).

"I thought you wanted to marry your May-chan these days." 

Yuu giggled at that, unconsciously neatening her hair around her checkered hairband.

"May-chan is an angel. But it's not like that, Unnie. She's just a dongsaeng to me."

She took a large bite of toast, marveling at the dirtily divine flavour. It took her a moment to notice how uncomfortable her neighbour suddenly looked.

"You can say that, but no one believes me when I say it," Tae-I mumbled, wrapping an arm around her knees and breathing in the hot steam from her cracked mug of tea.

"Our Tae-A said Donghui looks at you like you're an angel descended from heaven - poor deluded girl. On the other hand, May-chan is my angel descended from heaven. So it's different, you see?" Yuu half joked, watching Tae-I's reactions.

"You're wrong," she muttered, lying her cheek on her knee.

"Ah, we've breached the walls already, I think," Yuu hummed, putting her plate of food down on the floor so that both arms could be free to pull Tae-I into a hug. 

"What?" Tae-I questioned, looking up from where she'd been made to rest on Yuu's chest. 

"I don't know," Yuu readily admitted, "Jungwon said it once and I thought it sounded neat. Unnie, did something happen between you and Donghui?" 

"No?" Tae-I answered smoothly, "Nothing in particular."

Yuu frowned. So it was going to be one of those conversations. She had suspected as much. With quite an exertion (and a little jostling her neighbor) she stretched out and retrieved the toast so kindly prepared for her. Now she had tuna toast _and_ a cute older girl in her arms. If she weighed it up, that meant her life had significantly improved compared to just 15 minutes ago - even accounting for having been compelled to wear pants.

"It's just your home sooner than I'd expected. I'd thought you'd probably spend the night with your girl." 

"I don't have a girl. Anyhow, I drank a little too much so I came back. That's all." 

Tae-I made herself more comfortable in Yuu's arms. They were not, on regular occasions, the most cuddly and tactile of friends. They hugged when there was an evidential reason for doing so. So this behavior was already of note.

"I see. Did you leave Donghui there or ...? I guess she was drinking too." 

It took a bit longer for Tae-I to answer this time. Yuu ran her fingers through the older girl's hair (surreptitiously brushing toast crumbs away).

"Yes... She drank a little. She's okay though. Her friends are there. They're really nice. They're funny kids." 

"So nothing bad happened at the fancy party?" 

"Oh no, nothing bad." 

Yuu persevered this way for two slices of toast and half a mug of tea. Her Tae-I handling skills were reaching their limit. The blunt Osakan inside her demanded her say,

"Unnie, are you sure she didn't make you cry?" They had already separated enough for Tae-I to get her tea and sip it dolefully. Yuu played with the green hood of her neighbour's clothes, poking the monster's eye so it couldn't ogle her.

"Her? No, of course not," Tae-I shrugged, inscrutable.

"But you looked like you've been crying." 

"Did I? Oh no, I just drank too much. It must be that." 

Yuu did not think being one over the eight gave you red, shining eyes, smeared mascara and tear stained cheeks.

"So she didn't make you cry? If Donghui made you cry I'll have to talk to May-chan. She's an angel, but perhaps it was wrong to presume her friends would be angelic too. That was my mistake. I'll reflect." Yuu realised she was rambling and clamped her mouth shut. Glancing beside her, she was faced with a pair of sad (yet scrupulously stubborn) kitten eyes gazing up at her.

"Unnie, do you need a hug?" 

"You were doing that until a few minutes ago," Tae-I whined. Yuu opened her arms and Tae-I sank into her hold. Even when Yuu, hoping to psychically express her heartfelt affection, knocked her skull against Tae-I's rather harder than she'd intended, Tae-I didn't complain, simply lifting up her green monster hood for future protection.

"Oh God, I made her cry." 

Donghui is devastated. She can't even care (much) that Yuutan is glaring at her like one wrong word and she'll scratch her eyes out. She made Tae-I cry.

On her way to meet May, Yuutan and Tae-A had intercepted her. Now they're sitting, Donghui between them, on a low wall near the quad, under the shade of a beech tree. This is Donghui's first time seeing Tae-A not in her work uniform at the fast food restaurant. It's also her first time seeing her with black hair, the strands of her messy pixie cut peeking out around a Breton cap. Her expression is more downhearted and less ready to smack Donghui a new one. Even so, Donghui has a strong impression that, were she to attempt escape, it's Tae-A's striped sweater paw that would clamp around her wrist first and drag her back.

"You did," Yuutan states sternly. The many piercings studding her ear flash silver in the Sun.

"Probably. Like we've been saying, we don't really know what happened. Unnie keeps claiming she's fine," Tae-A amends.

"But you are going to tell us." 

Donghui stares at her hands, limp in her lap. This is horrible. Tae-I cried and Donghui can't hug her better because it's Donghui's own fault. 

"I don't know," she says, voice a whisper, "We were just dancing. I think I misunderstood. I must have read the signs wrong."

Donghui doesn't see Yuutan open her mouth to retort, then zip it shut after a warning look from Tae-A. The Japanese girl pinches the bridge of her nose, takes a deep breath.

"Listen, kid. What are your intentions towards our unnie?" 

"You said you weren't going to ask her that!" Tae-A squawks. 

"Someone has to." 

"It's not like they're getting betrothed, Yuutan." Donghui can tell from Tae-A's exasperated tone that these are points she's gone over more than once in the recent past.

"You mustn't be too innocent. A lusty young woman can still have intentions, Unnie." 

"Who taught you that word? Why do you know that word?" 

Donghui raises her hand to draw the arguing girls' attention back to her.

"I can answer, if you need me to."

Tae-A adjusts her position, cross-legged on the wall, one pink Converse on top of the other and the wide strap of her saddle bag across her chest.

"You don't have to," she says at last, turning her huge sad eyes to Donghui.

"She does," Yuutan cuts in. 

"It would be helpful," Tae-A agrees, not missing a beat. 

"It's fine. Of course I can say." Despite Donghui's brave words, nervousness is fizzing up inside her. Her hand comes up to her mouth. She bites her nails. Noticing what she's doing, she makes herself stop, placing her hands in her lap and tugging the sleeves of her hoodie over her fists. "I've never told Unnie this, though but, er - Yeah, I'll say it." 

People pass by, ambling in groups or hurrying on their own to get to a class. A group of boys sitting on the grass across the quad burst into howls of laughter at something on their phones. The breeze rustles the leaves in the trees, making the dappled sunlight that shines on them shiver and shift. Suddenly, Donghui is at a loss as to where to start. She can feel the two pairs of eyes boring into her. Only one is openly hostile, but both are urging her to stop being a damn coward and speak out how she feels. 

"I was thinking," she begins, and coughs awkwardly, "I was thinking that I want to protect her. But now I think maybe that's not right." She stares into the distance, seeing without really seeing the pink blossoms in the trees and speckled across the flagstones outside the main building. She thinks about Tae-I in her dress, under the light from the chandelier. Tae-I coming into her arms. Tae-I laughing, her breath tickling Donghui's collarbone. "Unnie is amazing. She doesn't need me to protect her. But she doesn't, uh - Maybe she doesn't always know how amazing she is. So I... I want to- I wanna make sure she knows. How she's wonderful and beautiful and how she makes people happy and... And then I just want her to do everything she wants to do, and I want to be there for her whenever she needs me and... I want to make her smile. Unnie's smiles are the best. I want to make her want to smile."

A strangled squeak erupts. Donghui, alarmed, whips her head towards Tae-A. 

"What is it? Did I say something wrong?" She's not positive what exactly she did just say. It all spilt off her tongue. She just hopes she made sense. Tae-A is currently biting her fist through her stripy sweater, the cuff flapping as she shakes her head. Donghui doesn't know Tae-A at all well enough to know how to read that reaction. Before she can worry herself into a state, Yuutan claps an arm around her shoulders. Her long painted nails catch in Donghui's hair.

"Alright," she announces, the greater part of her animosity seemingly evaporated into the aether, "We can talk." 

Carefully removing her sleeve from her mouth, Tae-A nods and pats Donghui's leg. 

"Yep, we'll figure this out. We can get you and Unnie talking again." 

A breeze blows by, plucking blossoms from the trees and spinning them into a flurry the palest shade of cotton candy pink. She really hopes these two are right.


	7. Sautéed veg, raw beef, hot pepper paste and steaming hot rice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghui's gonna go get her girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 6,7 and 8 are all part of a whole. So even though not much happens here, I promise it's all important.
> 
> There's some more talk of Tae-I's past relationship so,  
> → TW: an emotionally abusive relationship, manipulation and gaslighting.←

The sound of tiny fingers repeatedly playing Clair de Lune fills the air as Donghui is being trounced at pogs. She's sitting on a big pastel pouf with a boy called Juntae (who shoved his classmate after being called a fatso one too many times) and a girl called Miyeon (who is working her way through a box of Chips Ahoy and complaining that she has a stomachache). Donghui is a mite grateful Miyeon has chosen only to observe because, according to Juntae's own rules, she already owes him a Coke, three mini packs of Oreos, a bag of sour worms, and a kiss. In one room down the hall, the pianos cease, replaced by the racket of kids yelling and scuffling. They begin to stampede out into the airy, frog green reception area. The harried young woman who accompanies them is tall and wiry with straight black hair in a tight ponytail. Donghui places a hand over her heart. It's not time yet, but it will be soon. Any minute now.

"Okay, Noona?" Juntae checks, pink face peering up at her curiously.

"Stupid Lee Changhyuk shouting scared her!" Miyeon accuses, jabbing a cookie crumb encrusted finger at a boy with neon orange glasses and a mud stained Captain America t-shirt.

"Shut up, Miyeon! Who's shouting, Stupid Cho Miyeon?!" he shouts, puffing out his five-year-old chest at her.

"I'm good," Donghui assures Juntae, leaving Miyeon and Changhyuk to their tiff, "Seems like my friend will be out soon though. Let's go over what I owe you." 

He lists it off on his chubby fingers in a very businesslike manner, casually adding one to all the quantities. Donghui admires the hustle so lets him get away with it. Having neatly collected his pogs into a drawstring bag (bootleg TVXQ gear, now Donghui comes to look - his mum must be a fan) he leads her around a pastel rainbow of kid-sized desks and bean bags, through a reading area where one of the staff is sitting on the padded floor inhaling her boxed lunch. They reach a wall of vending machines and she retrieves her swipe card from her back pocket, hoping it has enough on it to get this kid the sugar fix he has rightfully earned. As it happens, she's arguing with him that regular Oreos are a perfectly valid replacement when the machine is out of chocolate covered ones, when she hears it.

"Oh, Teacher Moon, your dongsaeng came to see you. She's... Now, where did she go? She was playing with that Kim Juntae." 

"Which dongsaeng was it though? I wasn't exp-" 

"It's me." 

Tae-I looks up as Donghui rounds the corner, her honest face caught in surprise, a soft gasp parts her lips.

"Found you, Unnie." 

Donghui can't quite read the emotions in conflict in Tae-I's wide eyes. But she hasn't hissed and ordered Donghui to scram yet, so there's that. Juntae tugs Donghui's hand to get his bag of sour worms, no longer deeming her trustworthy to mind them for him. Tae-I averts her gaze to him.

"Juntae-yah, are you being nice to my friend?" 

"I am, Teach, honest," he swears, tearing the bag open and offering it to Tae-I, "This noona is very bad at pogs," he explains. He has a dawning sensation that the current situation might paint him in a bad light in front of the teacher who was always so kind to him in his younger days. Behind him, Donghui nods contritely. Tae-I giggles at her and Donghui feels a whoosh of happiness starting starting right down in her toes.

"No thanks, Juntae-yah," Tae-I rejects his gentlemanly offer of a candy worm, "Teach gets to clock off and go eat a big lunch now. Gonna eat a whole cow." 

"Lucky," the boy gripes, stuffing three worms into his mouth at once.

"Have- have you eaten?" she stutters, looking back to Donghui, nervously smoothing her hands down her dusky pink pencil skirt.

"Yes, actually," Donghui admits. Tae-I's chewing on her chapped bottom lip. She desperately wants to do something about that. Instead, she hooks her thumbs into her jeans pockets and says, "But I'd like to accompany Unnie, if you'll let me." 

"Alright, that would be nice." And then a world-shaking, history-making event occurs. Tae-I offers Donghui her hand - marker pen marks all over her fingers and bunny stickers on her knuckles. "I just have to grab my jacket and we can go." 

Donghui feels effervescent as she closes the distance between them and laces her fingers tightly with Tae-I.

When it had became clear that Tae-A and Yuutan really weren't planning to kill her and hide the body, Donghui had started to tell them in more detail about the charity ball in hopes of finding out why her date had dropped her and run home (from what Yuutan had said) in tears. She already knew, she thought, what it had been.

"I did something, er, stupid, I think. I asked her about her scar, the one under her eye." She clenched and unclenched her fingers over and over, staring daggers at the ground. She felt the eyes of the two older girls on her and the feeling was blistering. "I just wanted to... To tell her she doesn't have to hide it with makeup but, uh. That was stupid, right? Mentioning it." 

"It wasn't smart," Yuutan snapped. Donghui cringed, curling in on herself. She didn't see Tae-A shoot the footballer another warning look nor how Yuutan rolled her eyes yet zipped her lips and acquiesced.

They were still sitting out in the quad, huddled on that low wall, watching the world drift by and the bird life scratch about on the green. The Sun had already dipped low. Now they were in the gloom, an evening chill gathering in on them. Tae-A maneuvered her bulging saddle bag onto her lap, fished out three parcels wrapped in apple green wax paper, and deposited one in each of their laps.

"We've been here a while, don't you think? Eat." 

"Tae-A is too too kind," Yuutan remarked. Donghui couldn't understand why she heard a hint of sarcasm until she unwrapped the object to find something that looked like an owl pellet.

"Go on," Tae-A urged like Donghui used to when her little brother was acting fishy about trying something good for him, "I make these. They're healthy- full of fiber." Donghui reasoned that owl pellets were also full of fiber, therefore her most pressing questions remained unanswered. Nonetheless, the older girls were both nibbling squirrel like on theirs, so Donghui joined them. It was, not unexpectedly, something like cocoa infused cardboard and nuts. But Donghui had hardly tasted it when Tae-A asked,

"Did Unnie tell you? Where that scar came from?" She gestured to the same spot under her own eye. Tae-A's eyes were huge and bright, like crystal pools. Her features were sharp and delicate. The way her cropped hair licked around her ears and peeked out under her cap made her really look like a pixie, like she could melt into the trees that encircled them and be gone should she wish. She was so beautiful, but in a contrasting way to Tae-I. Donghui was hit by another wave of longing. Once Upon a Time, she had avoided Tae-I out of embarrassment at her younger self. Now she could barely breathe for missing her.

"Maybe?" she answered at last, "She told me something." On either side of her, the older girls just stared, compelling her to go on. Donghui yanked at her sleeves awkwardly, "Well, she told me she and her boyfriend argued. Then she walked out and ended up slipping on ice on the steps. That's all she told me. But then she ran away. Oh fuck."  
She bent over, head in her hands. Someone patted her back. The angle made it seem like Yuutan but Donghui assumed it must be Tae-A.

"I think that is how it went down," Tae-A said, picking out her words cautiously. Yuutan snorted. "I think it is!" she repeated, stronger this time. "Unnie's told us about other things that happened with that man. But she always says the injury was just from falling down on the steps." 

"There's a lot that went on," Yuutan pointed out, unwilling to concede the point.

Tae-A had the habit of emitting odd chirps and ticks when she didn't immediately know what to say. She had gotten through a whole chorus before she squeezed Donghui's shoulder through her bulky hoodie and suggested,  
"Donghui-yah, I don't think Unnie ran off because you asked about her scar. So you shouldn't think it's all your fault, okay?" 

Reluctantly, Donghui lifted her head. She blinked at Tae-A beside her. Inside she was struggling over whether or not to believe her. Tae-A's eyes gleamed, her skin pearlescent in the growing twilight. Her apricot tinted lips were caught in a pout. A puff of wind rustled the trees. If Donghui concentrated she could make out the burbling of one of the many streams the winded an artificially twisted way through campus towards the river. Donghui felt how another day was trickling through her fingers. She had no option, she concluded. She'd have to trust the pretty pixie woman who had been selling her fast food for weeks and the fierce Japanese athlete who may still be wanting to drop kick Donghui with her mighty footballer legs.

"Really?" she choked, "I'll accept it if it is. I'll apologise as soon as she's willing to talk to me. I Will. If she doesn't w-" 

"Hey! Hey, it's okay," Yuutan slapped her knee to make her calm down and listen, "Our Tae-A has a point, kind of." 

Donghui nodded. She clenched her jaw and turned back to Tae-A. 

"Well. Yeah. Really, um," Tae-A fidgeted with the green shreds of wax paper from her long devoured snack. "What it might be... Unnie isn't very good with relationships. Whenever someone's serious about her she plays oblivious or avoids them. She's been so, sort of, bubbly and, boong boong, what's that? What am I trying to say?" 

"Happy?" Yuutan offered.

"Yeah, that. She's been so happy these days. So we thought it might not happen this time. But maybe memories of that man coming back while she was dancing with you... It must have been a lot for her." 

Donghui noted that Tae-A only referred to him as 'that man'. That was curious. But in any case, it still felt like she was the fuck up here. Even so, rather than wallow, she said,

"To be honest, I hadn't known Unnie even dated guys. She's never mentioned it." 

"Not guys. Guy," Yuutan corrected, cleaning under her nails with the folded up wax paper, "There was just the one cock." 

They had gone a rung lower than 'that man'.

"What? And he scared her off men for good?" she quipped acidly. Yuutan grunted a yes. She was stretching her legs out in front of her, massaging her muscles for circulation through her track pants in a way that was reminiscent to Donghui of her grandma, how she would scour her front step like she were trying to remove all past present and future grime at once.

"I knew Unnie when they started dating back in high school," Tae-A spoke up. She had a distant look in her eyes, her mouth trapped in a sad moue. Donghui didn't like seeing that expression associated with a high school romance. Although her own hadn't been much of an idyll, she was still a romantic at heart. She tried to focus on the blissful, sweet moments, to let them smooth the edges of the bitter ones. Watching the older girl twist a loose thread on her jeans around her finger, though, Tae-A didn't seem able to do that right now. They were together for a couple of years in total, but I hardly met him. Like three times, I think. That man wasn't, um, well. He wasn't good."

Yuutan scoffed. Ignoring her friend, Tae-A went right on,  
"I'm not sure. Is it okay to talk to you about this? But since you're serious about her... And Unnie, she likely won't tell you unless you ask outright, um..."

"It's all right, Tae-A," Yuutan piped up, unexpectedly consoling, "If we don't explain a bit, this kid will go away still imagining Unnie run out cos she grabbed Unnie's arse too hard or some rot like that." 

Donghui's shoulders shot back, sitting up straight, ready to defend herself. As they did, her every joint sang in relief. She hadn't noticed at all just how stiff and tense she'd grown; how her fists were balled tight; how she was biting the inside of her mouth nearly enough to draw blood. _Oh_ , that was curious too. She observed Yuutan - flicking her hair back as she gazed into the distance, like Mysterious Sunbae #2 straight out of one of Jeno's comic books. Donghui's hope swelled that May's girl crush wasn't going to murder her in her sleep. 

"Quite. yes, Tae-A squeaked. Despite the grey light, Donghui could see Yuutan's words had made her blush." Well the, um. The reason we barely saw that man was because he didn't like Unnie having friends. He was always trying to keep her away from us. And when it didn't work right, he would cut and leave her in the middle of an event or whatever, even when he had been her ride there. Or invent other plans for them when he knew she already had something on and act like she was in the wrong for not making herself free."

"What a catch," Donghui gritted out. Her fists, hidden in her sleeves, were balled up tight again, nails stabbing into her skin. Tae-A rubbed circles on her back.

"Yeah. He was shitty about her performing too. Like, she kept doing it, because she was in choir and was one of the music teacher's darlings and all. But he would pick apart her performance and insult her outfits and stuff. I don't think Unnie would have told me, frankly. Only I accidentally saw one of his messages to her one time and he was like 'why did you wear that? Haven't I told you it makes you look fat next to the other girls?' Like that."

"Jesus Christ," Donghui growled. She wiped a hand down her face, glared down at her crossed feet. She felt impotent. Tae-I was precious, she shouldn't have had to go through that. Donghui wanted to do something, anything. She would hug Tae-I so tight, until the scars would be snuffed out. She would care for her enough to make up a hundred times over what that man stole away.

"I know. I really do," Tae-A sighs, leaving off patting Donghui's back, "Unnie was pretty invested in making it work. That's why they were together for a long time. When they finally broke up, she dealt with it with a positive attitude and kind of, like zip and swoosh, like throwing herself into her studies and work and stuff. Like really, bimbam swoosh." (Tae-A enunciated each sound like it was pivotal. Donghui, nonetheless, remained uncertain what they implied). "And she's, you know, like, she's fine most of the time. But sometimes she's really not, and it's just. It's just that. What am I trying to say?" 

"There's a lot that went on," Yuutan repeated. To Donghui's ears the phrase carried a world more weight now. It hit her that she mustn't let Tae-I run away and excuse it as 'giving her space'. She had to find her and talk about these things. She had to be there to hold her and encourage her, to make her smile and - if Tae-I were amenable - kiss her like she's a goddess. But first and foremost, she had to find her.

"So you're telling me May conspired to have Tae-A and Yuutan kidnap you," Tae-I sums up through a mouthful of bibimbap. 

"That's the essence of it, Unnie, yes," Donghui confirms, playing with the straw of her Milkis. The woman across from her in the clean little restaurant with its sky blue painted walls has accumulated marker pen on her arms and stickers on her knuckles (as Donghui had spotted earlier), blue pen marks on her neck, a tiny Pikachu in her hair (that she appears to be unaware of), a 'good job!' stamp on her wrist, and now sauce around her lips. The fact that her white blouse is relatively unscathed is a miracle.

"Punish her," Tae-I councils.

"I plan to, Unnie." 

"And those two talked to you about Jinsung." 

Behind her methodically laying more vegetables across her rice, tongue poking out in concentration, Donghui couldn't tell how Tae-I felt about that. 

"Was that his name?" Only a nod, Tae-I continues stirring her rice. "They didn't tell me much. Just that he wasn't good to you and you stayed with him for... Uh, two years?" 

"Closer to three," she supplies with a small roll of your shoulders, finally shoveling another stacked spoonful into her maw. 

"They told me because they want us to talk. I've missed you, Unnie." Before she can second-guess herself, Donghui has reached across the square wooden table, tilted Tae-I's chin up and wiped a fleck of sauce from the corner of her mouth. Tae-I's brain visibly shudders - for a heartbeat she doesn't budge, cutlery frozen mid-air, wide eyes on Donghui, whose intense brown eyes are on Tae-I's lips. In the nanosecond before Donghui retracts her hand - takes back the gentle, loving touch Tae-I has been languishing over - she blabbers, 

"I missed you too." She lays her cutlery down neatly. She can't seem to make eye contact - which only makes her more ashamed. Donghui came all the way to pull her out of hiding, she owes her an explanation. She needs to stop avoiding everything. Tugging at the hem of your skirt, she tells her, "I have a message to you in my drafts. But I kept - well, I didn't know what to say. So I kept typing, then deleting everything and saying I'll send it after work, I'll call her before bed, I'll know what to say if I sleep on it. I've been doing that for days. I'm sorry."

Donghui wishes she could hold Tae-I's hand. It's one of the main things on her mind right now. That and having Tae-I look at her again. It's been days since she had the older girl's eyes focused only on her. The way Tae-I is shying away now is playing havoc with Donghui's heart. In the absence of a hand to hold, Donghui sweeps a few strands of hair behind Tae-I's ear. Her eyelashes flutter and she peeps up, pretty black eyes back on Donghui.

"It's okay, Unnie. Really. Whatever you have to tell me, you can tell me now, right?" 

Tae-I hums, but it's uncertain. Her gaze skulks away again and her food remains half-finished. Panic quivers in Donghui's stomach. Tae-I is so close. Donghui can't let her slink away and abandoned her again. Her eyes fix on Tae-I, she refuses to glance away.

"You don't have to. I mean, if you're not - I just want to. I only... You. I want to understand you better, Unnie. If... If something's going on, I want to know how to be there for you. That's why. Unnie... Were they right? Was the reason you left -" _me. Why did you leave me? -_ "so suddenly that night tied up with that guy?" 

It takes a moment. The sound of the obnoxious afternoon DJ chattering away on the radio goes on. The handful of other diners are either loudly nattering about work together or alone devouring their meal. A little boy toys with the colourful trinkets arranged around the cash desk while his mum waits to pay. When Tae-I meets Donghui's gaze again, her eyes are glistening. Donghui's heart plummets. 

"Oh no, Unnie! Don't cry. I'm sorry." 

Tae-I waves a hand, dismissing her worries.

"I'm not," she claims, scrubbing a rebellious tear away, "And if I were, it wouldn't be because of Jinsung, if that's what you're thinking. It's just that- Ahh, what you said. I'm just so happy we met again. You're so… Listen, I didn't mean to run away from you. I won't do it again." 

This time Donghui bridges the miserable distance between them to thumb away the next tear. She lets her hand linger, cradling Tae-I's cheek. The woman leans into the touch - just a fraction, barely anything, but it makes Donghui warm all over. If that weren't enough for Donghui's poor mortal heart, she is blindsided by Tae-I wrapping her two hands around Donghui's and holding it close. She's dumbfounded. 

"They are right. I wanted to talk to you about... That whole thing. But who knows when I would have gotten the courage. Judging by that message in my drafts, no time soon, I guess. Er, would you - if you're free, will you come home with me? I don't feel like going over all that here. Not while I still have Pikachu in my hair." She laughs. It's shy, nervy- as if she thinks there's a chance Donghui will say no. 

"I'm free for you, Unnie." 

As if Donghui wouldn't follow her to the end of the world.


	8. The taste is considered less sour, as well as sweeter and stronger, than that of an orange.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tae-I's story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this chapter deals with Tae-I's back story. Please take the trigger warnings seriously.  
> → TW: emotionally abusive relationship, gaslighting, an adult with a minor, coercion, implied grooming, manipulation, internalised lesbophobia ←

Branches dripping vermilion arched above her, leaves crunched under her old sneakers. A pink shoelace was dragging on the ground, but she hadn't noticed that yet. As she strolled in the shade on one of the last sunny days of the year, Tae-I's concentration was on the orange in her hands. She'd been gradually peeling it of its skin and every scrap of pith for a good quarter of an hour now and even she was starting to think herself ridiculous. It did wonders to clear her head though.

The gravely path she had been treading began to give way to paving stones. Grass and dusty yellow weeds sprang up from the cracks. The shade below the trees thinned. Before it gave up entirely, she stopped dead. She pocketed her naked orange, having no appetite for it anymore, and surveyed where her feet had brought her. There was concrete and marble swept clear and a fountain bubbling at the centre of a large circular pool. A handful of people sat around the edge - a young woman walking her yappy shiba inu, a few middle school girls chatting, an elderly couple feeding the birds. Tae-I didn't join them. The sunlight shone harshly on every surface, glinting like diamonds on the lapping water. It made her eyes sting. There was no shade. She didn't used to mind about that. Actually, she used to enjoy lazing out in the sun with Tae-A or Seungwan. But back then she had been too oblivious to know how ugly a tan made her look. The school girls were loud and boisterous, splashing water at each other. The dog was yapping at every bird that ventured too close to it. Tae-I peered down at her feet, firmly within the shadows. Well, this was pointless. All she had accomplished was to get mud on her shoes and sticky orange zest all over her fingers. She bent down, tied her lace, and headed back the way she had come, faster now, hands thrust into the pockets of her school jacket.

She had good news today. But it was all very complicated. She was going to sing at a festival in a couple of months. There would be various schools from the district there, so it was a little bit of a big deal. She was proud of herself. Her music teacher was proud his student got chosen. She knew her parents would tell her she did well and to show her best. But she didn't know what Jinsung would say and it was tying her guts in knots. It had been barely a week since he forgave her for their last falling out. She didn't want to cause more problems. And maybe this wouldn't. Maybe there was nothing wrong with this at all. Yet the feeling that she had done something wrong had been dogging her ever since she tucked the acceptance letter into the inside pocket of her satchel. 

Leaves, brown and brittle, spiralled towards doom around the gated park entrance. A blue shape rolled across her vision. Tae-I leapt back into the busy street, racing for her bus. By the skin of her teeth, she made it. It was packed. She maneuvered her way to a spot where she could stand by a safety pole. Seeing that the passengers near her happened to all be men, she held her satchel closer, clutching her school skirt tighter around her legs.

One of the unresolvable problems with her current situation, was that Jinsung didn't trust her music teacher. He claimed the man made passes at her. Tae-I didn't think that was true - she had never felt uncomfortable around him. Although Jinsung was positive she acted like she was, so maybe it was subconscious. The idea was too embarrassing to ask Tae-A or anyone about. Tae-I was just left to her confusion. Jinsung swore the teacher shouldn't be trusted. And he was a man and knew much more about the world than Tae-I, so she ought to have faith in him. But it was still so hard to believe. They had argued about this more than once.

Another issue was that this festival would happen on a Thursday. Jinsung was sometimes free on Thursdays and sometimes not. When he was, he liked them to spend time together. When he was and she wasn't, he would always get hurt. He was balancing work and uni and she was only a high schooler. She didn't think it was unreasonable that she should make herself free for his rare time off. The festival wasn't for another two months and she checked the planner he gave her in case she had forgotten anything. Nothing had been written in for that date. But what if she had neglected to add some anniversary or something? She did sometimes. Then it would be all her fault and he would have every right to be upset. She never wanted to hurt him - he was one of the only people who could put up with her - yet she was always managing to do just that.

Part of her wanted to not tell him at all. If he couldn't come, she'd feel bad. If he could, it'd be awkward because her friends would be there and they didn't like him. She wished they could get along with him, but it never worked out. They acted like they didn't want him around. Tae-I tried really hard to make her relationship work. She was an acrobat, a contortionist, always trying to slot the points of her life into a balanced whole when all they wanted to do was shoot off away from each other. But what could she do? Okay, her friends hated him - but who else would have her?

The bus was reaching his road. She ducked under someone's arm and squeezed between a pair of women too busy conversing to notice the titchy teenager trying to escape. She tumbled out onto the pavement. The sun had set during the bus ride. A slender, golden crescent moon sneered down at the street alive with LEDs and headlights and noise. She had to tell him. That much was obvious. Keeping a secret would make her stressed and he always found them out anyway. She picked up her pace, marching down the side street that led to his apartment. It was a nice apartment - one bedroom, a spacious sitting room, separate kitchen, and even a balcony and big wide windows with a view over the bustling street. It wasn't a very nice area though - Tae-I passed rapidly by noraebangs and nail bars and drinking dens housed down grimy staircases.

That was another reason to be cautious in how she told him about the festival. If she told him the wrong way, they might argue. If they argued, she'd have to walk on her own back down these streets at night, which she really really hated. She guessed that was something men didn't understand though, because whenever they argued it didn't matter how much she pleaded, he was always making her walk back alone. Tae-I clenched the strap of her satchel. The buildings were looming over her, blocking out the night sky, pressing her into the dirt. She'd reached the door for his building at last. She stepped up to the plastic white door, pressed the buzzer and waited for his voice to come through.

"What?" 

"It's me." 

"Oh, come up, baby." 

Inside, the entrance way was starkly bare as ever. It was always clean, all the surfaces papered over with marble-look wallpaper, a single bulb blazing throughout the night. A man was already waiting for the lift. She didn't recognise him - he looked like any other 40-something, white shirt, black slacks, a little softness around his waist and stubble on his chin. He was probably fine. Even so, for her own peace of mind she took the stairs. Her footsteps echoed as she puffed her way up the lonely stairwell to the 7th floor.

Finally, she arrived at his door. He opened up and kissed her forehead. From the chilly, bright hallway, she felt his apartment, soft lit and warm, drawing her in.

"You took your time," he commented as she toed off her shoes.

"Took the stairs," she explained.

"Ah, I guess you're trying to lose weight again. Good luck with it, Baby."

She looked up to tell him that wasn't it, but he'd already gone back to the kitchen where something fragrant and, no doubt, delicious was bubbling away on the stove. She sighed. Perhaps that was a hint she should take. Sliding her satchel under the table by the door, she skipped off to find out what he was cooking up for them. The acceptance letter was there inside, weighing down on her soul. However, for the sake of being a good girlfriend, she chose to ignore it for now.

Dinner had been his signature ravioli with mushrooms and ricotta. Tae-I hadn't been able to taste it much. Her mind was elsewhere. He'd noticed too. He always noticed little things about her. _My scatterbrained baby, where is your head at?_

She never used to think of herself as scatterbrained - even her friends didn't call her on it. Yet he'd picked up on it just about as soon as they'd met.

After dinner, they just sat on his couch and cuddled, the TV on low, the blinds down. She'd thought if he was well fed and if she let him kiss her neck and hold her tightly for a while, then he should be in a better mood to hear about the festival. But things started getting heavier before she was ready. Knowing she was the type of dumb bitch to put things off, she'd ham-fistedly pulled away and blurted out, _Oppa, I got some nice news today_. Hearing her words play back in her head she thought she really was stupid. It was crazy he bothered with her.

"I just don't understand, Baby. Why would you enter when you knew we already had plans? Didn't you know I'd have rearranged my schedule already?" 

Tae-I fumbled for words. Anything she thought to say to explain herself, when she ran it back in her head it seemed liable to hurt him once more. She felt so out of place again. In his male apartment, all black and white, smooth lines and sharp edges. With him, she was supposed to fit in. To have a nice, normal straight relationship. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get anything right.

"I checked the planner. Nothing was there. I swear nothing was there. I'm sorry. I really don't remember, Oppa. I'm sorry." 

He chuckled and patted her hair.

"Of course you don't remember since you didn't write it down. What was the point of getting me to buy you that planner if you won't use it? You just wanted me to spend my money on you. My spoiled, ditsy baby." 

She tasted iron. She was picking at her chapped lips again. She folded her hands in her lap before he had another thing to scold her over. Things didn't make sense. She remembered him buying her that planner. She remembered the bookshop - a cavernous space, all wood and glass, and a beautiful blue sky beyond the windows. It had been so air-conditioned she'd had to put on her jacket after a minute or two. They had split off, her leaving him in a den of wooden stationary and desk toys and winding her way to search for the music biographies. Some time later, he'd tiptoed up behind her where she was seated on the dark wooden floor, a history of glam rock in her lap, and slid the black leather bound book in front of her. She had jumped and asked him what it was. She remembered his arms tightening around her as he'd explained what it was for. And if he'd had to explain, how could she have made him buy it? She hadn't known what it was. 

However, that obviously wasn't how he remembered it. Maybe she was wrong. She often was, it would be a safe bet. In any case, she couldn't bring it up to ask. It was a dumb, inane little detail and they were discussing something completely different right now.

"Don't you have anything to say?" he asked, chucking her under the chin fondly. 

"I'm sorry. I can't - I don't think I can back out of it now, Oppa," she replied defiantly, voice falling away to whisper. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he shrugged, sitting back on the couch, making himself comfortable again, "It won't be the first time I've had to change up my schedules for my baby."

"I'm sorry." Her shoulders were stiff, she'd give herself a headache at this rate. Internally, she growled at herself to relax. They hadn't argued, but being an unpliant lump wasn't going to help her case. There was still every possibility of her having to walk down that street with all its horrible nightcrawlers.

"I said it's fine. You have my forgiveness, Baby. How will you make it up to me?" 

She looked up. His expression was easy to read. He held her arms. She let herself be gently pulled onto his lap and did her very best to pretend she fit in. 

The sunlight filtered through a wooden blind decorated with key chains and earrings and an array of artificial flowers, the sort sold by charity workers stationed outside malls or churches or wherever. The marigold light was gradually stretching towards a scarlet quilt under which Tae-I was suffocating a little bit. Neither the blinds nor the quilt nor any of the accessories belonged to Tae-I. They were, however, very familiar. Amidst the thick swamp that her brain had devolved into, she couldn't put her finger on why she was here though. Reflexively, she picked at her dry lips. Her throat felt like sandpaper. She was never drinking again. Never ever ever.

Lumbering, she got herself to sit up. The quilt slipped down. That's when Tae-I realised she was quite naked, right down to the hickeys on her breast. That's also when a wave of nausea hit her. She doubled over, praying for the bile to stay down at least long enough for her to figure out where her clothes had gone.

The door handle clicked. _No. No. Too soon. Please_. Someone opened it. The sound of music playing somewhere floated up to her. A faint smell of coffee joined the fug of the room.

"Oh, you're awake." 

A soft, high voice. Memories barreled their way up. Thin fingers tilting her chin. Burgundy hair soft under her lips. Shy laughter. A pale stomach fluttering under her tongue.

"I guess you're not feeling too good. Er, I didn't - eep, I couldn't recall what you take for a hangover cure. For Janey it's coffee, of course. But Doie just chugs water and I try to replace vitamins. So... So yeah. So I brought everything." 

With the last wish for her stomach to behave itself, Tae-I lifted her head. It felt like pushing against gravity. Tae-A had perched on the bed. She was curling her slender legs underneath herself while balancing a tray laden with items in one hand. Pre-empting its obvious fate, Tae-I plucked it from her hands and set it down on the red quilt. There were tangerines, a pint glass of iced water, soda water in a toy sized bottle (Tae-A must have stolen it from work), several pills in a heap, and a steel flask (presumably the coffee she had smelt). She considered asking what the pills were, but she didn't feel capable of understanding the explanation. Most of them would just be herbal supplements anyway. Therefore she gathered all ten or so up in her palm, knocked them back, and followed it with half the pint of water. The pitch of Tae-A's squeak suggested Tae-I may have been mistaken about them being simple herbal supplements. Oh well, that was a problem for later.

"Sorry but, where's my t-shirt?" she rasped, her vocal cords utterly miserable with her.

"Oh right!" Tae-A popped up from where she'd so neatly folded herself into a ball. "It all kinda stank of wine, so I threw everything we'd been wearing in the wash. Borrow something of mine." She trotted over to the wardrobe in the corner. When she stood, her grey sweater was almost as long as her shorts, hiding the kaleidoscopic suns Tae-A had painted on the pockets. The girl had modded her wardrobe too - it was a cheerful creamy yellow, upon which Tae-A had added roses and stars, swans and frankly terrifying gremlins in baseball caps. ( _'I can't draw hair well,'_ Tae-A had once said by way of explanation for the gremlins. Tae-I hadn't thought it much of an explanation for anything, but since her friend seemed down about the hair thing, she had left it there).

"Here - Unnie will look pretty in this." She retrieved a hot pink T-shirt from the overstuffed wardrobe and threw it to the bed. Tae-I caught it before it hit the tray. Holding it open, she saw it had the leering face of Chucky brandishing a knife.

"Pretty?" Tae-I checked.

"Yeah, Unnie suits pink." 

Tae-I smiled and slipped it on. If Jinsung saw her in this he'd never let her hear the end of it. Her stomach lurched. Jinsung wouldn't see her in this. She couldn't let him see her for a couple of days, judging by the marks Tae-A left her with. With a bit of luck she'd be able to manage everything with her relationship still intact.

With _a lot_ of luck. 

And fervent prayer.

She picked up the pint glass only to find it depressingly empty. Moving on, she took a tangerine, rolled it between her palms and began peeling. A long orange spiral formed behind her busy fingers. Tae-A rejoined her on the bed, sitting in her space but not leaning her head on her shoulder or any of the things she often did. Wordlessly, she placed a small pile of clothes and a towel beside the tray and picked up a tangerine of her own. Tae-A was less anal about peeling it, quickly tearing off the skin in short strips.

"Unnie, we should, like. Like, talk and stuff." 

"Yeah." She shook a clingy shred of pith from her finger on to the tray. "Not right now though. Too hungover."

"Okay," Tae-A agreed quietly. In that moment it occurred to Tae-I that Tae-A didn't have anything like the symptoms Tae-I did. That was because she never drank much, being weak to alcohol. That meant she couldn't have been that drunk last night. When they'd kissed on her bed. When she'd whispered filthy things in Tae-I's ears. When she'd pulled Tae-I's hair. She spied the girl next to her, shoulders slumped, head bowed to the task of stripping the fruit. _Oh no_. 

"We will though. I promise." Hesitating, she slipped her arm around Tae-A's slim shoulders. An overwhelming wave of gratitude washed over her when Tae-A leant into her like she usually would. Tae-I stroked her neck, combing her fingers through silky burgundy hair. Tae-A mewled happily. A giggle erupted from Tae-I's chest. 

"Unnie?" Tae-A had a curious smile, head cocked to the side.

"It's nothing. I don't know." Tae-I was still giggling. She couldn't stop. "Tae-A's just cute, I guess." 

"Unnie too!" The girl laughed, a bright grin lighting up her face. She pressed a tangerine segment to Tae-I's lips. Tae-I bit it, sweetness bursting on her tongue, firing up her senses. Her stomach wasn't too pleased with the acid, but she ate another one anyway and flopped back on Tae-A's bed. A soft, cozy bed. Delicious food. A pretty girl. Her best friend. Sunlight streaming through the slats of the blinds. Everything felt good if held exactly like this. If she could take this second and lock it in amber. Occasional giggles still shook her ribs.

Tae-A watched her friend smiling at nothing. At some point over the last couple of years, Tae-I had picked up the habit of covering her smile with a demure hand, laughing in a proper and restrained way when around people. It was lovely when she forgot. Tae-A did fear what would happen to their friendship after this. She couldn't imagine Tae-I leaving that man over a solitary one night stand. Nor could she picture a life where Tae-I wasn't her friendly, dependable and dependably unique unnie. Seeing her now, eyes closed, black hair splayed out on Tae-A's pillow, the quilt shoved down to her waist, Tae-A felt a surge of optimism. Refracting through the costume jewelery she'd hung on her blinds, a rainbow of light shimmered on Tae-I's smooth cheek. Things would get better. They had to.

She took another segment of fruit and held it softly against Tae-I's bruised lips. The older girl's eyes fluttered open. She locked her fingers around Tae-A's brittle wrist and bit it, her tongue brushing Tae-A's skin ever so slightly. The act shouldn't have felt so intimate given everything they'd done last night (that Tae-A knew, given their different alcohol consumption, she must inevitably remember in greater detail than Tae-I). But it did. She felt herself blushing. 

"Eat more if you feel like you can. They're good for you. Um. Yeah. Okay." She hopped up and out to the living area, leaving Tae-I still very much horizontal, struggling with tangerine juice dripping down her wrist. The relative cool outside her bedroom was a welcome relief to Tae-A's perplexing emotional state. The living area's state of utter chaos was not. It was significantly cleaner and tidier than earlier, but still more than messy enough to make Tae-A anxious. Janey wasn't bothered in the slightest. She was sitting on the floor in her old workout clothes, a measuring jug of americano with a curly straw in front of her and her camera in her hands.

"Hey, where did I put Unnie's phone? I don't remember." 

"She awake? How's she holding up?" Janey asked, glancing up to Tae-A. Tae-A was trying extra super hard not to see the empty cups and glasses littered around Janey or the red wine stain on the curtain.

"Hungover, but not bad... She took literally all my pumpkin seed extract." 

"That'll be why," Janey commented. Tae-A knew she was being indulged, but let it pass. "Hmm, her phone. It's here." She rummaged under the couch cushions and pulled out the sleek black model. "It kept vibrating at my ass so I hid it." 

Tae-A cringed. She took the offered phone and had a quick look at the screen. Her face crumpled.

"Don't show her. Throw the fucker away."

"I'm pretty sure that would be worse for her, Tae-A reasoned. Ice cold guilt curled around her throat." She's in a good mood now. And we're here for her. It might be okay."

When she returned to her room, Tae-I had gotten up long enough to pull on the loose white shorts Tae-A had laid out for her, then dropped back on the bed. She was sitting up on the quilt, propped against Tae-A's pillows and staring dreamily, eyes half-lidded, at the light pouring through the blinds.

"Whatcha looking at, Unnie?" Tae-A sat beside her, drawing up to her side.

"Lint?" Tae-I replied, "I'm a kitty." 

"Meow!" Tae-A agreed. They shared a grin that had Tae-A feeling even worse about ruining the mood. "Unnie, you should know. Your phone was going off like crazy for a while. I put it out in the sitting room in case it would wake you." She handed it over. Subtly, Tae-I shifted further away from her. Tae-A tried not to look, to give her friend some privacy while still being right there for her. It was difficult - it often had been over the last couple of years. But when she thought how it must be so much harder for Tae-I, Tae-A could handle it somehow. 86 missed calls and a slew of messages. Just the glimpse at the previews had been enough to turn Tae-A's stomach. _Do you want to hurt me? Do you want me to die? You always do this to me. You're always hurting me, Baby_. 

"Oh god. No. Oh god, oh god." 

Tae-I curled in on herself. She fell to her side in a foetal position, arms clamped around her knees. She was shaking. Tae-A scrambled to hug her close, Tae-I's trembling back to her chest.

"It'll be okay, Unnie. We can work something out."

"No. No. He'll know everything. He knows I came here. He always knows everything. Oh god." 

She was crying now. Tae-A could hear it, but she couldn't do anything except hold her. She wasn't sure if Tae-I even felt her, if her friend was even present right now.

"Unnie... Unnie, I wish you wouldn't go." 

"I have to. What else can I do?" Her voice was a whimper, muffled in the mattress. It had been so different last night. Telling stories with Janey, hogging the karaoke machine with Seunggi and Jongeun, whining Tae-A's name.

"Stay here. Don't go, Unnie. Please." 

"He knows where you live. He'll come. There'll be trouble. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Oh no. There'll be so much trouble." 

"I'll warn the dorm's security guard. Even if he did get past the entrance, he'd need a key card to come in. Stay here, Unnie. Please. Please, don't leave." 

"I can't." 

"You can. Please. It wouldn't have to be forever. Just a while. Just for a break. Wouldn't that be alright? Please. Please."

Tae-A realised her hold had tightened around her friend. She forced herself to release it, to draw back a little. It was important to pretend to be calm even when you weren't. She'd learnt that over time.

"He'll get hurt. What if… Something might happen." 

"He's 26, Unnie. It's not your job to manage his emotions for him. A break would be good for him too. It would. Please think about it, Unnie." 

She didn't respond. Nor did she push Tae-A away. After some minutes her posture began to relax. She wiped her sweaty palms on the hot pink T-shirt. She had been clutching the phone the whole time, the one he'd given her last year. With shaky fingers, she opened the back, knocked out the battery, and slid both away. She turned in Tae-A's loose arms, slung an arm around her, and snuggled close.

"I need to sleep a little more," she mumbled into Tae-A's chest, then did just that. Stunned, Tae-A rubbed her back in slow circles, cautious not to disturb her best friend. That wasn't 'yes, I'll stay'. It definitely wasn't 'I'm dumping that dross and moving on with my life' (hopefully by kissing Tae-A again as a start). But it was something. It felt like something huge. 


	9. Hot caramel and fudge sauces over vanilla ice-cream, with whipped cream, pecans and a cherry on top.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the present, Tae-I and Donghui talk

"So. You and Tae-A unnie?" 

Tae-I ambles back in from the kitchen with a jug of iced tea in her hands and a lopsided grin on her face. 

"Is that all you got from that?" 

Donghui shoves over on the couch so Tae-I can squeeze back in beside her. Half the couch is occupied with her laptop, a pile of dense academic tomes and a couple of files stuffed with notes. Rather than deal with any of it, they have been making the remaining half fit them. Donghui slips her arm back around Tae-I's waist while she refills their glasses with sweet tea. The woman has been remarkably calm, whereas Donghui has had a constant, simmering desire to punch a wall. Sometimes Tae-I would pause, caught in a memory, stumble over her words. Then Donghui would rub her back and watch her recover her thread, returning to telling her story. Donghui supposed that's how it is with old wounds. She only heard these things today. Tae-I has had years of figuring out how to cope. Donghui feels all at sea, where Tae-I is charging ahead on her course.

"It's not, but it's a part I want to ask about."

Tae-I curls her legs underneath her, in the process snuggling closer into Donghui's side. As soon as they arrived, she'd dumped Donghui in her messy sitting room and gone to change into a pair of loose lace shorts and a peach hoodie that continually slips off her shoulders and that her arms are lost within. Holding the glass through her cuffs, she savours her tea before responding. 

"Yeah. That's fair. Me and Tae-A never happened. Well, there was that time and then a couple of others, sort of, incidents. But nothing ever, um… Nothing came of it, not even after I'd finally got my things back from Jinsung."

Donghui pushes out her lips, turning this bit of information over. Tae-I is being very frank about all this. Donghui keeps thinking how they haven't really known each other that long, Tae-I doesn't owe her shit. Yet she's trusted Donghui enough to tell her even about a fling with Tae-A. Donghui's not sure how to read that. Unconsciously, she's rubbing the soft cotton of Tae-I's hoodie between her fingers. When she looks to the girl beside her, she sees Tae-I worrying her bottom lip. Donghui squeezes her waist to distract her from damaging her lips any more.

"Why not though?" 

"Why not what?" Tae-I blinks owlishly. 

"You and Tae-A unnie. I don't know, she seems really nice and cute. And you must have liked each other. Why did nothing happen after all?" 

"Oh." Tae-I wets her lips. "Yeah, that makes sense."

Donghui untangles herself from Tae-I to pick up her glass at last, condensation streaming down its side. She takes a gulp and, when she sits back, keeps her posture open like an invitation. Tae-I takes it, resting against Donghui's side. Donghui holds her waist securely again.

"It's hard to explain. At the time… I really truly thought we were just friends. I mean I was sure she didn't like me like that. Absolutely positive. But now, with hindsight… I was cruel to her. She was actually very open with her feelings. I just refused to acknowledge it. I took her to bed and I still thought we were just friends."

"You couldn't deal with it." This, Donghui realises is exactly what Tae-A and Yuutan had told her about. With everything she's heard now, it makes perfect sense why they wanted to thoroughly verify Donghui's seriousness before talking things over with her.

" It was difficult,"Tae-I admits, fidgeting with her ponytail. "But that doesn't change the fact that I hurt her a lot. I just… I never know what to do!" She hugs her knees, hiding her face in her arms. "Whenever someone acts like they like me, I don't know what to do and I get so nervous and I… It's better now, but I'm still scared. I haven't even dated once since Jinsung. I pretend I can't see the attraction, like it's simply not there. Or if I can't pretend, I run away. That's what I did to you and I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I know I did. I'm so sorry, Dongdongie."

Donghui wraps both arms around her, holding her gently. Even with everything they've talked about today, this is the first time Tae-I's broken down over any of it. 

"It's okay. I'm here. I was hurt at the time, but I'm not anymore. I'm really thankful you told me all this, Unnie. You didn't have to. But I know now and I promise I'm not hurt."

Slowly, slowly, she feels Tae-I's tense muscles unwind. The woman's arms find their way around Donghui's neck. She shuffles in her place until she can rest her head on Donghui's chest.

"Are you sure?" she asks, voice tiny, and Donghui is desperate to kiss her.

"Yeah, I'm sure." 

Tae-I takes a deep breath. It tickles Donghui's collarbone. 

"Okay. I'm not stupid - I know you like me. It's just - I don't know. It's so hard to believe sometimes."

Donghui puzzles over that too. She reaches out for her tea, but even after downing most of the glass that remark doesn't sit right with her. 

"Why though?" 

"Why what?" Tae-I mumbles, absentmindedly thumbing the feathery hair at Donghui's nape. Her touch makes pleasant tingles run up all through Donghui's head.

"Why is it hard to believe that I like you?" 

Tae-I picks herself up enough to look into Donghui's face with those wide, guileless eyes. 

"Because you're so lovely." 

Donghui's breath catches in her throat. 

"Unnie," she croaks, "I'm - Unnie, I'm going to kiss you. Is that okay?"

The slightest nod. Tae-I's eyes never leave hers. She tilts Tae-I's head, a hand on her jaw. Her sugared, chapped lips move against Donghui's. Their breaths are one. Her arms tighten around Donghui as she parts her lips and lets Donghui taste her. She caresses Donghui's sides, the dip of her waist, the swell of her hips. Her hand rests on Donghui's stomach and she's the first to pull away.

"Oh my god," Donghui whimpers, eyes still shut tight. Tae-I giggles at her. Her eyes flutter open to the sight of Tae-I's wide smile and pretty dimples.

"I guess I haven't scared you off yet then." 

"It would take a lot, Unnie," Donghui coughs, "It really would." 

Tae-I laughs at her again. Donghui's quite sure her face has turned scarlet. It's a long time since a simple kiss had her feeling like this, temperature soaring, heart beating double time. She lets Tae-I slip out of her hold, observes her adjust her position on their half-a-couch. Tae-I stretches her bare legs out, pointing her lavender painted toes, then flops back with a puff of air. She takes Donghui's hand, naturally lacing their fingers together. Donghui can sense Tae-I's uncomfortable with something. It's there in the set of her shoulders, her downward gaze. But Donghui can't tell what that something is, so she just waits for her to speak.

"Dongdongie, do you want to date me?" 

"Yes."

"Oh my, you're so straight forward." 

"Is that bad?" 

"No, I like it." She turns Donghui's hand over, strokes her knuckles. "It's just that… Because I've never dated since him. So I mean - Is it okay if we take it slow?"

"Of course. Unnie…" Donghui gathered their linked hands on to her lap. "What do you mean you never dated? What about Janey unnie?"

"We weren't dating." 

She says it so plainly that Donghui thinks at first she must have been wrong all this time, misinterpreted everything that day Janey dragged Tae-I along to May's birthday party. "But I thought … But no, Maymay definitely said you were an item."

"Probably May didn't know," Tae-I shrugs, "Maybe she still doesn't. Janey and I have only ever been friends. Back then Janey wasn't sure how she felt about girls and herself and we, sort of…" She trails off, twirling a finger through her hair as she searches for the words.

"Friends with benefits?" Donghui guesses. 

"Yeah," Tae-I sighs, "Something like that. When she started hinting at making it more serious is when I shut it down. In retrospect, I was pretty cruel to her too. Are you sure you're not scared off yet?"

"No. You're gonna be my girlfriend."

Tae-I blushes all the way up to the tips of her ears peeking through her messy brown hair. Donghui smiles, she's so cute even when she's not trying to be. It's fascinating. "And yes, we can take it slow. I won't go anywhere, Unnie." 

Tae-I's tongue peeps out to wet her lips.

"Are you certain? Even if sometimes 'slow' is, like, glacial?" 

Donghui lifts their hands to her lips, kisses Tae-I's knuckles.

"Unnie, you won't get rid of me that easily. I haven't stopped thinking about you since we met again. I can wait." She presses her lips to the back of Tae-I's hand, one more kiss to carry home her sincerity. She feels a shiver ripple through Tae-I. 

"In that case," the woman swallows thickly, "Say you, er, say you won't kiss me again." 

Donghui freezes. She sets Tae-I's hand down, untangling their fingers like they're scalding. She opens her mouth. But Tae-I stops her before she can blabber apologies.

"No, moron. I liked it. You know I did, my Dongdongie. But - I know it's asking too much. But don't kiss me again. Not until I kiss you first."

Donghui wipes a hand down her face. She runs over those words in her brain, breaks them down, examines them with special reference to how close Tae-I is leaning into her right now, so close she could breathe her in, her free hand squeezing Donghui's knee. 

"Until?" she checks. 

"Yeah, until." 

"Alright, Tae-I yah." 

Tae-I bites her lip against the smile spreading from cheek to cheek. Donghui opens her arms and Tae-I comes into them, comfortable curled up in Donghui's hold. 

"Ah, the friendzone. I know her well." Renjun waves her sundae spoon in the air. Donghui proudly resists the urge to use her own sundae spoon to smack it out of Renjun's hand. She chooses maturity. (Plus, she's only half way through this turtle sundae, so the spoon remains crucial to her general happiness. Not to be sacrificed on duels).

"It's not the friendzone," she insists, "It's like a holding pattern." 

"Like with planes? You're waiting for permission to land?" Jeno asks. She has rejected sundaes in favour of soya based ice-cream substitute littered with greyish chunks of banana. Lee Jeno, a masochist. 

"In a very real sense, yes," Donghui concurs. There's a joke in there about descending on Tae-I's runway, but Donghui doesn't have the energy to piece it out. 

"Sounds a lot like the friendzone," Renjun points out. Donghui reconsiders whether launching her spoon at Renjun's forehead wouldn't be putting it to higher, glorious purpose. It's been a couple of weeks since Donghui and Tae-I's big talk. In that time, they've gone to dinner twice, attended a student production of Macbeth, and visited the Fine Arts students exhibition to support Renjun. They talk and laugh. They hold hands. They dress up a little. They do everything like a date, except that at the end of the night they share a long, warm hug and go their separate ways. Tae-I's hugs remain indisputably top notch - so if Donghui clears her mind it's alright and she doesn't desire to kiss her _that_ terribly.

The other development in these weeks is that Renjun's, at long last, quit moping over the closet case bitch and gone and kissed Jiseon. Renjun has since become: Insufferable. 

"Are you sure you're not just a coward? It's fine if you are. You should be your true self. We'll accept you for who you are - a coward. Won't we, Jeno-yah?"

"Sure!" Jeno chirps, eyes pretty crescents, crunching happily on her soy mess. Donghui pouts. No one understands her. She jams her long spoon deep into the tall sundae glass, digging out a dollop of ice-cream, fudge and sauce approximately the size of a baby's head.

"Don't," Renjun pleads. 

"Fuck you," she shoots back, and crams the whole thing into her mouth at once. Jeno chuckles. Renjun looks faintly green. Donghui is in imminent danger of choking, but feels she's had a minor victory here. (Fortunately, the ice-cream melts fast enough to save her from the clutches of Death).

"Look, I just think," Renjun pipes up once she's somewhat recovered from her disgust. (The remains of her sundae have been left to liquefy in her glass. Donghui wiped out her apetite). "I just wonder - and don't take this the wrong way because I know you will - I wonder if she's stringing you along. If she's just gonna leave you waiting."

"I thought you approved her," Donghui snaps. Her friends have met Tae-I enough by now. They should know she's not toying with Donghui's heartstrings. 

"I do," Renjun asserts, smoothing down her culottes primly. "But if she's got stuff going on, and if she's not ready for a relationship… Well, then she shouldn't be keeping you hanging on."

Donghui has nothing to retort. She wants to. She wants to bite back that Renjun doesn't understand shit about them and that the girl who spent a year refusing to acknowledge her feelings for Jiseon gets zero rights to talk about Donghui's (pathetic excuse for a) relationship. But she doesn't. It sounds defensive, and that's not what she wants. Besides, she knows well Renjun wouldn't say things like this without consideration. So she turns to Jeno. 

"Do you feel the same?" she asks. 

"Hard to say," Jeno hums, wonderfully unruffled by her friends' stand off. "If it goes on much longer, then yeah, maybe. Jaemi too. She wants to trick you into letting her buy you an outfit that'll make Tae-I unnie jump your bones. But you didn't hear that from me." 

"There's no subtlety in that woman," Donghui tuts. "Look. I hear you, alright? I get it. But I'm really okay with things right now. You two are the first bitches I'll complain to as soon as I'm not."

"Promise?" Renjun squints over her sundae glass. Donghui rolls her eyes. 

"Of course I promise, dumb bitch. Who else can I always rely on."

"Love you too, stupid cow," Renjun sniffs. Jeno's beaming at them. Her high ponytail bounces as she bops along to the girlpop song playing over the café's speakers.

"I'm glad you two love each other again before I have to go. I've got Anatomy at three."

"Come here, selca," Donghui orders, waving both of them over to her side of the little booth with its red plastic seats. They obediently gather round. Jeno has her usual comfy black pants and a colourful T-shirt, ready to leg it to the dance studio later. Renjun is wearing very Renjun-ish teal culottes and a soft, fluffy grey sweater. Donghui's got one of her favourite white shirts, a low cut black top paired with a few glittery chains around her neck plus a pleated plaid mini skirt with a leather belt and fishnet stockings. Also, for no reason in particular, she's decided to put on deep purple lipstick, blue eyeshadow, and coloured lenses today. _The Sun's come out_ , was her feeble excuse for having dressed up this much just to get ice-cream with her friends. For the picture, she places herself at the side and gets an arm around both Renjun and Jeno. Her thumb is hooked into the collar of Jeno's t-shirt and she's draped herself across Renjun, ensuring that her thighs, while not the focus of their completely unplanned, spur of the moment selca, are definitely on display and definitely well lit. She shrugs aggressively until her shirt slips coquettishly off her shoulder.

"Are you sending this one to Tae-I unnie?" Jeno enquires mildly. 

"Dunno, hadn't thought about it," she blabs too quickly. Renjun - muttering Mandarin obscenities under her breath - removes Donghui's hand from her hip. 


	10. Chambord, raspberries, cream soda and ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of making the author's life easier, Jaehyun (Jaehui) is now a summer baby :x

It's Jaehui's birthday party tonight. Last year, Donghui had gone along with May, had a single glass of so-so punch, seen a familiar face across the room, then hidden away in a corner with a confusion of pretentious Philosophy students (are there any other kind?) before slinking home. This year she's attending with the same familiar face. Donghui hasn't told Tae-I about how the mere sight of her scared one-year-ago's Donghui enough to sit in on a tipsy discussion about negative dialectics. She'll get to it soon, she tells herself. She expects Tae-I to laugh in her face, honestly.

Right now, she's sitting in on Tae-I helping Chenle cram for an exam. Tae-I's got the flashcards and Chenle has to give the definitions. It's a fortunate thing they came out to sit on the green and catch some sun, because this process is proving a lot noisier than you might expect. It would work better if Tae-I could pronounce the scientific terms Chenle needs to know. Either way, they're both trying endearingly hard. So hard they don't notice Felicity hurry up towards their spot under the shade of a beech tree and stop dead about a meter away, fidgeting with scarf knotted around her cut-off shorts.

Donghui jerks her head for the lanky girl to come over. It takes several tries (and Donghui developing a crick in her neck) for her to be swayed. She shuffles over, a few books clutched in her arms. Her messenger bag is covered in tippex drawings by this stage of the semester. Her short blond hair is speckled with pink flower clips whose plastic petals flutter in the breeze, and her black t-shirt has a leering skeleton in a top hat on it.

"Hi there, Lele!" she squeaks. She clears her throat. "Um, hello."

Chenle smiles up at her, not appearing to find anything remarkable about the awkwardness pouring forth from this girl.

"Could I ask you about something?" Felicity continues, her voice failing miserably to maintain its regular pitch. She adjusts and re-adjusts the books in her arms. "Maybe like, um." Her eyes dart to Donghui and Tae-I, shamelessly ogling this exchange. "Maybe over there? Um…"

"Yes!" Donghui all but yells, "Absotively. Over there. Off you go. Have fun ~!" 

She gives Chenle a light shove to get her going. Chenle giggles at her, stumbling to her feet. Donghui clasps Tae-I's hand as she watches them walk across the sundrenched lawn to just out of earshot. She sees Chenle kindly take a few of Felicity's heavy coursebooks. All the girl's blood seems to rush to her ears at the gesture.

"My daughter's grown up so well, oh my god!" 

"Do you think Felicity will really ask her out this time?" Tae-I asks, more cautious. She picks up her water bottle and uncaps it - all with her left hand, the right being currently purloined.

"What else can it be?" Donghui straightens her back, shoulders square, chest out. Tae-I pokes her cheek. 

"Going out, just the two of them, "as friends" again. The usual." The scare quotes were fully audible there. Although Donghui's not-quite girlfriend does raise a valid point, Donghui's unwilling to concede it. She can _feel_ it this time. Maybe it's the summer sun getting to her, but she's sure there's something in the air.

"No~ It's different. My baby's bagging herself the cute Australian, I'm telling you."

Tae-I shrugs, an easy smile on her face. The lack of visible excitement over Chenle's love life slightly irks Donghui. 

"Let's make a bet, Unnie. If Felicity's gotten the balls to ask Lele out, I get to pick your outfit for tonight. Sound good?" 

A look of alarm flashes across Tae-I's features. However, 

"That's fine," she blusters, "I'm a-okay with it. Not a problem."

A few minutes later, Chenle skips back to their spot to tell them Felicity's taking her to a new vegan café tomorrow, then they're going to go shopping at the flea market. She hasn't gotten the whole sentence out when Donghui leaps up in triumph. Tae-I chugs her water like she wishes it were gin.

Tae-I ought to have more faith. Donghui turns up at Tae-I's apartment later that afternoon with a backpack stuffed with clothes for her to try on. On the one hand, she does have Tae-I try on the bustier crop top Jaemi gifted her some time ago (baby blue with pink roses, spaghetti straps and a hardworking button at the front). On the other hand, she also suggests things she has a hope of getting Tae-I to agree to walk outside in.

Yuutan - her Tae-I senses tingling - came over a little while ago. She's sitting on the floor of Tae-I's sitting room, eating cheese slices and ritz crackers from the packet, and passing comment. She's ten times less intimidating in leopard print pyjama pants and with the giant flower scrunchie in her hair. 

"I don't know," Tae-I fusses looking down at her skirt, a fierce pout on her lips. She pinches its sheer material between her fingers. She's still wearing the voluminous white t-shirt she was lounging around in earlier. It's big enough that she's had to tuck it in for the tattered black miniskirt to not be completely hidden. Donghui thinks she's adorable. "Is it a bit sexy?"

"Yes," Yuutan answers through a mouthful of American cheese. 

"Unnie's very cute in it," Donghui adds more tactfully. 

"But is it _too_ sexy?" She's chewing her lip again. Donghui reaches out from her seat on Tae-I's couch (only about 10% vacant today - it's been a busy week for Tae-I and her postgrad research). She takes her hand, distracting her from the bad habit, and asks,

"What constitutes 'too sexy'?"

"Well. I'm not sure," Tae-I adnits, perching on the arm of the couch. The already tiny skirt rides up her thighs. Donghui mostly succeeds in not staring at how little the scraps of cloth and ribbons actually cover. "I guess I just feel like people would - I don't know, look at me. It's dumb, but yeah."

Donghui forces her eyes back to Tae-I's face and does her level best not to look like she wants to ravage Tae-I right there on her fraction of couch, Yuutan's presence be damned. 

"Of course they'll look at you, Unnie. You're pretty."

"You've got a whole lot of ass too," Yuutan chips in. Donghui notes that the neighbour has exhausted her supply of ritz crackers. Consequently, she is at increased risk of causing a nuisance.

"You're not against dressing up a bit sexy though. I mean, you were real sexy that night you took me to see Seunggi oppa's band… Is it this style?" Donghui suggests, choosing to sweep past Yuutan's last remark. The athlete's either wanting to elicit a certain reaction or is just that blunt-spoken. Donghui suspects it's the latter.

"That was a bar, not a house party. It's a bit different. And anyway, I was trying to impress you."

"You succeeded," Donghui chokes. She tugs at the neck of her t-shirt. It's got so hot in here. Why is it so hot in here? One of the triangles of material that make up the skirt dips between Tae-I's thighs when she adjusts her position on the arm of the couch. Donghui issues herself a swift reminder that, when her not-yet girlfriend is feeling self-conscious about her body, it is not the time to squeeze her thighs and pull her close. _Be strong, Donghui_.

"Maybe it is the style," Tae-I murmurs, ignorant of Donghui's internal battles, "I guess I'd feel better with something under it? And the right pair of boots. Yuutan, would it look good with my grey boots? Er, the pair I bought when we went to Yongin that time."

"It would, Unnie," Yuutan agrees, cleanly tearing a fresh cheese slice in half. "But you know, I was thinking. You could finally wear those shorts Tae-A gave you. She won't be there, but it'd make her happy to see the pictures on insta."

"Oh! Well. I'm not sure."

Something about Yuutan's smirk tells Donghui that finding out about these shorts is very much in her interests.

"No but, this is cuter," Tae-I argues, tugging at the barely there skirt again, "And if people will look at me, I may as well be cute." 

She appears quite serious on this point. Donghui's been holding her hand all this while. She lifts it now, and brushes her lips against Tae-I's knuckles. (Not a kiss - she did promise after all).

"Unnie's cute no matter what she wears. Really I don't see why it matters if people look at you. They know you're with me this time. And if they don't know, I'll make sure they soon find out."

She ducks her head, black hair falling in front of her eyes, to press her lips to Tae-I's knuckles once again. She misses how the woman opens and shuts her mouth repeatedly, too flustered to reply, as well as the grin and approving nod she receives from Yuutan.

In the end, Tae-I does go with the shorts Tae-A had given her. While Donghui approved of this choice, she's not sure it really was in her best interests after all. They're black, lace up the sides, and are so 'distressed' they leave next to nothing to the imagination. Once she'd tried them on and looked at herself in the mirror, Tae-I had said she felt cute - so what more was there to say? The booty shorts are paired with a floaty, off-the-shoulder, golden yellow top with long sleeves that flap whenever Tae-I makes any sudden movements. That came from Donghui's stash. The grey boots from Tae-A turn out to be silvery and with a killer heel (because of course). Finally, as Tae-I didn't feel comfortable being bare legged, there's the kitty stockings. The kitties have pink noses - the object of Donghui's affections has informed her that this is the key point of the whole outfit. Not the ass, despite where Donghui's gaze keeps gravitating.

At this point, she's not even pretending to pay attention to Jungwon's story about trying to convince the cat café to employ her. She's too distracted by the woman standing across the hot, smoky room, sipping hard soda from a champagne flute and laughing with Jaehui, Doyoung and a couple of others Donghui doesn't recognise but who have postgrad vibes. One of them's a guy. But he's clearly trying his luck with Doyoung - more fool him - so Donghui doesn't care about him. One of them's a girl - short and slim, with fluffy blond hair, a loud laugh, and a cute pout. This person has been resting her chin on Tae-I's shoulder for a while now. She currently has her arm around Tae-I's waist. Donghui's having to fight hard against her instincts to trot over there like an overprotective puppy.

"I am once again asking why you are not making out with your milf."

Jaemi is all of a sudden leaning up on Donghui's side, purring into her ear. It's too warm in here for such disregard for personal space, in Donghui's opinion. But then, Jaemi's rarely one to keep her and her ample bosom to herself. Donghui pushes her away with an index finger to her forehead. Looking around, Donghui sees all eyes on her and supposes Jaemi's actions might not have been all that sudden. It's just possible her distraction was less subtle than she'd assumed.

"I am once again asking why you're here?" 

Jungwon titters. Yeri raises a grin. Beside her on the futon they've colonised, Jaemi just smiles, playing with Donghui's plaits. (The plaits are thanks to Jungwon. Donghui's hair is long lately. She doesn't mind settling for simply combing the mess into some semblance of obedience. However, Jungwon, on seeing her hanging around the speakers with Tae-I, had bugged her until she agreed to sit and let Jungwon tame her hair into two tight plaits. She even magicked a red poppy from who knows where and placed it behind Donghui's ear with a satisfied smile. It matches the pink roses on the bustier that Donghui's ended up wearing, so Jungwon claimed. With that, the checkered tennis skirt she found in the back of Tae-I's wardrobe and the flower charm choker she stole from her bitchass roommate, Donghui feels she's got some kind of cottage core chic going on here. Renjun had called it 'hot gay mess' and let Donghui go nick Chenle's Doc Martens).

Jaemi obligingly again runs through the list of connections that eventually lead to Jaehui's aunt, who edits a fashion magazine, making a generous donation to the poor donkeys. Donghui's mind again files it under 'rich people things' and fails to follow.

"But anyway, why aren't you getting down with your mature lady friend?" 

"You know well she's neither mature nor a lady," Donghui snaps with nothing else to say for herself.

"It's called mutual pining, NanaBunny," Jungwon cuts in, giggling over her pint glass of cocktail - Donghui has no idea what she's drinking, but it's bright green and clearly potent. "Angst with a happy ending, side ships, twenty thousand words, tee double-u curvy hotties. Don't you know?" She sweeps her long red hair back, her mic drop.

"With respect, Unnie," Jaemi traps Donghui in a half-hug and cups her chin, "It's called Princess is horny."

Donghui gnashes her teeth. Jaemi smooches her cheek before relinquishing her chin.

"Girls. Girls, please," Yeri pipes up, "A man is talking."

Three arched eyebrows, one with blue glitter on her scar, turn to him. 

"Thank Heavens!" Jungwon cries, "Finally, a man to tell us what to do."

"Speak your manly truth, Oppa," Jaemi urges, clutching Donghui in anticipation. Yeri raises a hand regally and says, 

"You've gotta hit that, Dongdong. Short phat ass noona's been checking you out too."

Donghui freezes. 

"She has?" 

"Yeah. I get you're trying to give her space or whatever. But you can still ask her to dance. You need to go dance with her."

Donghui has only told her closest friends a massively abridged version of what Tae-I told her that day she ambushed her at work. So he doesn't really get why she's giving her space. She does think he raises a valid point though. She can ask. Having said that - 

"How the fuck am I gonna dance to this? I'm not 80."

As a birthday gift, Jaehui has demanded to play whatever she likes over her fancy speakers without having to hear complaints. Donghui doesn't know Jaehui all that well - they just have mutual friends - so she hadn't understood why that announcement made May up and leave the main room to go join Yuutan's circle out on the balcony. Jaehui, as it turns out, is fond of jazz fusion. 

"Don't worry. I stole her password." Knowing Yeri, this likely means he whined at his hyungs until one of them gave it to him. "I'll play you something good for slapping shoes."

She narrows her eyes at him, but he only winks at her as if what he just said made any sense.

"Oh! Whacking wellies," Jungwon nods. 

"Bashing brogues," Jaemi giggles. Donghui takes a deep, calming breath.

"Knocking boots?" she checks. Amusement sparkles in his eyes. 

"That's the one. She's looking at you again."

Donghui whips around. This time she catches Tae-I's eyes on her. She looks caught out for a moment, but her gaze softens. She beckons Donghui over. Donghui's metaphorical tail is wagging like crazy. She crosses the room, unaware of the people around her and the louche calls from her friends, not hearing the syrupy piano music over the rapid beating of her heart. She reaches Tae-I. Their fingers brush, but Donghui hesitates in front of Tae-I's friends.

"Unnie, have you missed me?" 

Tae-I's hand slips around hers. She turns a little, into Donghui's space. 

"Of course I have, my Dongdongie." 

She's like a sunshower, her gentle touch on Donghui's skin, making her bloom and crave. 

When Donghui was 14 she was so unsure of herself. Her body rarely did quite what she wanted it to. Sometimes she was told her voice was too loud, other times she was ordered to stop mumbling. The worst though, was that she was never sure she was supposed to like the things she liked.

She had folders full of Yuri from Girls Generation's pictures. But as far as her friends were concerned, Donghui just liked their singles and didn't have a favourite member. At the same time, she felt like she was forever learning off bland boyband members' names because she knew her friends would expect her to pick a bias. She didn't buy the accessories she liked nor wear the hairstyles she wanted to unless she was sure her friends wouldn't find it too weird. It was fine when they found her fun and cooky. She lived in fear of being the wrong kind of weird.

Naturally, being in love with her best friend made this feeling immeasurably worse. She was always watching awful dramas about terrible straight couples, just so she could talk about them with May who was a sap for that stuff. The jokes she made were tailored to May's dorky tastes. Even in private, there was a pathetic sameness to the sort of yuri manga she secretly picked up from the underground bookshop near her dance school.

Now and then, she thought people knew. One of the guys at school made strange remarks sometimes. There were odd moments when she was alone with May, when Donghui was absolutely certain she'd given away too much. Her dad too, he dropped occasional comments that made her think he already suspected there'd be no grandkids from his daughter. The common theme with all these situations was that it could never be stated outright. They might refer to it obliquely, but Donghui knew she could never say it herself.

Then there'd been that day. It was humid and the air was alive with insects. Donghui was sweaty and uncomfortable in her clothes, uncomfortable in her skin. There were people everywhere having fun and shrieking gaily, and Donghui felt utterly alone in the universe. Until that quiet unnie came stumbling through the bracken in the shadowy woods, her choppy bleached hair brighter than her yellow blouse. She'd come to check on her for no reason 14-year-old Donghui could see. She could have stayed out there under the sunlight, enjoying herself with the people who weren't miserable and useless. But she hugged Donghui and told her she was cute - and said it so fiercely Donghui really believed her.

She let the chubby, suntanned kid sob on her chest until she was calm again. That time Donghui knew this unnie knew she liked girls. And the quiet unnie openly liked girls. And all of this was okay. It wasn't something to keep hidden, to only let others imply in riddles. Teenage Donghui couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so accepted, clinging to the near stranger in the scrappy, sweltering woods.

If she looks back on it, Donghui thinks that was the moment she started trying to be herself. With no excuses for liking what she liked or apologies for being different, to simply be who she was. If that's true, then it's thanks to Tae-I that she's here, that they're here, together under the rented disco lights. But Donghui's tipsy and can't begin to put all of that into words right now. Instead, she nibbles Tae-I's ear and tells her,

"You're so pretty," with the same fierceness she remembers Tae-I using on that snivelling gay teenager. Tae-I laughs and squirms in her hold, her arms flung around Donghui's shoulders. Thanks to her heels, she's about the same height as Donghui. Donghui finds she kind of likes it. She feels like they're two halves, two puzzle pieces. Not to mention, Tae-I's neck is at a really awesome height for biting. Tae-I smacks her arm, yet she tilts her head, brushing her hair out of the way, giving Donghui free access to the smooth blemish-free skin. It won't be blemish-free for long. Donghui's tongue finds Tae-I's collarbone. Tae-I trembles, fingers tightening in Donghui's hair.

She won't tell Tae-I about that teenage girl tonight, but she did tell her about the dumb first year escaping Jaehui's party last year. She doesn't think Tae-I understands yet why she fled like that. Donghui hardly understood at the time. It was overwhelming, seeing Tae-I there in the flesh. She was a figure from the past. She stood for that particular awkward, painful moment in Donghui's life. She wasn't supposed to be right there, living and breathing the same air, wearing a pretty paisley skirt, gabbing with yet more seniors Donghui didn't recognise. No, she's sure Tae-I doesn't understand that part. As expected, when Donghui told her, she snickered, _why are you like that?_ , but then her hand found Donghui's cheek. The girl quit biting her nails nervously. Tae-I's thumb stroked her jaw. ' _We could have met a whole year ago. We have so much to make up_.'

Like blossoms after spring, Donghui let those thoughts roiling in her head drift away, let that scared teenager stay in the past. She draws Tae-I closer by the waist.

"I want to kiss you. Tae-I yah, I want to kiss you." Her lips are on the sensitive skin behind Tae-I's ear. She feels the woman writh, feels the whimper escape her throat. "Want to kiss you everywhere. Your face, your neck, your nose, your belly, your knees."

"My knees?" Tae-I giggles, breathless.

"Especially your knees. Want to treat you like a queen. You're my queen, Tae-I yah. Let me serve you."

"Donghui-yah," she gasps, "My Dongdongie."

She pulls back a little. Donghui watches her cloudy eyes, watches her wet her glossy lips, waits for her to approach. Her hand is on Donghui's nape, the other on the girl's bare waist, making her shiver in anticipation. Their breaths are one, Tae-I's mouth is on hers. She sucks on Donghui's bottom lip. The girl whines and presses closer, begging for more. Her hands range Tae-I's back, her sides, her waist. Her thumbs hook into Tae-I's shorts, hands holding her hips firmly. Tae-I tastes like sugar and raspberries and alcohol. She tastes like everything Donghui needs.

"Take me home with you," she sighs when at last they part. Tae-I smiles. She pecks Donghui's nose. 

"Come on then."

A little while later, they cross the quiet campus arm in arm. Tae-I's tottering on her heels, resting her weight on Donghui. Donghui is complaining to the sleepy surroundings, the flowerbeds and the crows dozing in the rustling trees, that she can't spot a red flower to give Tae-I, one to match the poppy still holding on behind her ear.

"It doesn't matter," the older girl laughs, "You're my flower. I don't need another."

"Unnie!" she yelps, hiding her blushing face in the others neck.

They're watched over by nothing but the flickering lampposts and the glittering Heavens, not aware of a thing but each other and the full moon shining on their path. 


End file.
